The weekly internal battle

If you're a mom who tries to make it to church on Sunday you probably know what strong opposition feels like.  You know how hard it is to get out that door.  It may be the circumstances, it may be the kids, it may even just be you...but you can be sure that the enemy of your soul is content to have you neglect meeting with God's people for whatever reason he can bring your way.  Why?  Because that is where encouragement and a unique and wonderful aspect of your spiritual growth is supposed to happen. (Ephesians 4:11-16)

Come to encourage and to be encouraged in your faith.
When we meet together we should be encouraged in our faith.  Sometimes we will feel like we are not getting that encouragement.  But with God's help we can always go ready to give it, can't we?  Sure, it can happen in other places and in other ways but God makes it pretty plain to us that it is not a good thing if we neglect to meet with other believers (Heb. 10:25). And not just the ones that we would put on our list of people we like and get along with.  You will be amazed at how much you will grow spiritually as you interact with people who think a little (or a lot!) differently than you do.  If you keep your focus on Christ you will actually learn to love as he loves. (Again, that Ephesians 4 passage!)

Come to hear the preaching of the word of God.
We should also find encouragement and conviction as the word of God is preached.  There is no perfect preacher who says just what you want to be said.  But that is not what preachers are supposed to do anyway (2 Timothy 4:1-5). They are called to preach the word of God.  They are not obeying God if they preach what you want to hear and what suits your fancy.  They must preach the truth of the word and do it in love.  If that is happening, then we really shouldn't be complaining.  It's so easy for us to get critical.  I'm ashamed to say that I was that way a time or two toward the pastors that God brought into my life.  Sometimes we need attitude adjustments that is for sure!  Out of all the people our pastors preach and minister to, what makes us think that he should do and say everything we want him to?  And to please every individual?  No, that is not God's will at all.   

God calls men to preach his word and if they are faithful to that then we really have so much to be thankful for.  Again, you won't always come away thinking, "That was so awesome!  I love how he said ______" (fill in the blank).  But is he preaching the word of God?

Our commitment to honor God is shown when we are willing to do the small, unimpressive things like simply showing up to church.  We don't always come away with mountain top experiences.  But that is not the way it's supposed to be. God just wants humble obedience and faithfulness.

Do your best to prepare and don't give up!

But it's not always easy is it?  Even just showing up to the building can be difficult.  I know that no matter how much you resolve to go to bed early with clothes ironed and dishes done, it doesn't always happen that way.  Life isn't always so predictably manageable no matter how hard we try to make it so. Things come up or little ones wake up in the middle of the night and at the end of some days all we want to do is fall into bed.  You don't even want to think about ironing or doing the dishes.  Sometimes we feel spent because we are giving so much of ourselves. We are loving and caring for the people in our lives day in and day out.

It seems like Sunday morning rarely goes off without a hitch and each week we try to do a little better than the week before.  If not that, we might just give up. And we really don't want to do that!  If you're like me, you've experienced many a ride to church where you resolve that you will do whatever it takes to not have a repeat of what happened that morning!

You'll try to get to bed a little earlier on Saturday.  You'll make sure the kids have their socks and shoes set aside.  You don't want to be hunting for them on Sunday morning and stressing out.  And yet it seems that no matter how prepared you may be that something will inevitably go wrong on Sunday morning.  You will face opposition as you try to get ready to leave.  Sometimes it feels as if the devil and every one of his demons are opposing you.  And it may very well be.  

One child will be crying for no apparent reason.  Nothing will appease them except for being held by you. And yet, you are the one who needs to finish getting ready to go.  The more they cry, the more you want to cry!  You have been meeting needs all morning and you are tired of giving.  You feel the pressure of time moving quickly and it is moving so much faster than you and the children.  "Will we make it on time?" you keep asking yourself.  

Another child cannot find their shoe or their shirt was somehow never ironed or someone cries out, "He hit me!" and you have to spend ten minutes resolving an issue.  And you are beginning to think that Sunday morning is working out to be the toughest morning of your week!

Don't forget to pray for help.

Your patience runs thin and you wonder if you should just cave and forget the whole thing!  But then you remember God.  He loves you so much and you love him too.  He invites you to pray in those times of your greatest need and distress.  He hears and helps you in ways you never would have thought possible.  God is the very reason why you are making all of this effort in the first place.  It is all for him!  

The more you begin to realize these truths the more you settle it in your mind that you are going to do the best you can to meet with God's people with all of your crew in tow.  Whether you be a bit late...or miss Sunday School because you needed the time to pray...You resolve that you are not going to cave and allow these challenges to keep you from this important place and this significant moment in time.  It really does matter!  Sure, there have been times in the past when you just couldn't muster it but by God's grace you will rely on his strength to make it out that door!

It feels like a fight.  It is a fight!  A difficult battle in your heart.  It's nothing new, really.  Your bad feelings are colliding with your good intentions.  All you have to decide is if you have the conviction to follow through with what you know you ought to do and do it no matter what.  And how many times have we said, "I'm so glad I went!"?  Even if that is not your sentiment, at least you know that you are doing something that God clearly wants you to do and there is a blessing in that.

Let's persevere in our desire to honor Christ and resolve to not let anything stand in our way. I know that many of you will face things that make my struggles seem easy in comparison.  I understand that for some of you there are serious issues that truly prevent you from being able to go to church.  But I am writing for those who are able but discouraged.  I simply wanted you to know that you are not alone in your Sunday morning struggles.  And I wanted to encourage you because I know how difficult it can be to get out the door sometimes!  I also know that there is so much blessing that we miss out on when we give in to challenges that we can overcome as we turn to God for grace and help.  Blessings to you as you seek to honor him with every choice you make.

Treasure that is eternal

I didn't intend to fall asleep with my two year old.  The last I remember, I was trying to get him to settle down for bed.  He had so much energy and wanted to play and giggle.  And though I would tell him it was time to settle down for bed, his playfulness kept winning me over.  I remember when he finally began to lay his sweet head on the pillow.  But that is the last I remember.  I was surprised to wake up at 4:00 AM and realize that I had fallen asleep without intending to.

There is something wonderful about waking up at that early in the morning and knowing that you might have at least a couple of hours before anyone else wakes up.  I was giddy with excitement!  I brewed a cup of coffee and settled in on the couch with my laptop.  Time to catch up on some articles I had saved to read for later.

The time flew by and I decided that I would put my focus on my Bible reading...especially before the kids got up (since I preferred the quiet version).  Usually when 6:30 AM comes around I know that it is going to be any minute now that little ones will wake up and be in need of my attention.  I had to use my time wisely.

I began to read and my mind was so full and active that I could hardly concentrate on the text before me.  Is it possible to read an entire two or three paragraphs and not have a clue what on earth you just read?!  Why, yes!  And thankfully I realized it because the last thing I wanted it to be was a meaningless exercise.  I prayed that God would help me give him my full attention.  He did help me and I really do cherish the quiet time I can spend reflecting on his word and praying.

I want to be a woman who prays more.  It's all about relationship, trust, dependence, and grace.  It's not just words and heaping up eloquent phrases.  No, far from that.  It's truly seeing my needs and the needs of others and knowing that God can meet every single one.  It's desiring to have his work and his will to be done in and through me.

This morning, in the quiet of my living room, I prayed.  God shows me things in his word and I know that I am in a good place when my heart is exposed and he shows me what needs fixing.  I know that when he stirs my heart to love more, give more, pray more...I know I am headed in the right direction.  Because, really, I could be satisfied with things as they are.  I could say it's good enough and continue on with business as usual.  But the more I think about my responsibility as a woman of God, as a mother, a teacher...(a leader, as so many of us are without even realizing it!) the more I cry out to God to show me what more he would have me to do for him.

I shed quiet tears as I prayed that I would love more today than I did yesterday.  That I would notice more, listen more, and hug more.  It is rather sobering for a mother to consider that though there is grace and mercy for every oversight and lack, there is also so much potential to impact future generations with your very life!  This truth astounds me and leaves me almost speechless sometimes.  The thought that just by making even the simplest of changes to my daily routine I can live a more fruitful life for my Savior.  The reality that every commitment I make matters for eternity.

There is so much I am doing yet so much I could do.  And this is where prayer comes in.  This is when I pray to God that he will show me how I can best serve him and bring him honor.

This morning I want to thank him for giving me a little class of children to teach on Sunday nights.  Yes, most of them are my own children but that's ok!  I didn't think it was what God had for me to do.  I thought it would be temporary and I even tried to find someone else to take my place.  But I have truly grown to love teaching truth to these young souls who are learning so much about the world around them.  What a blessing to be able to teach them about God!  We are memorizing God's word together every week.  And these little theologians are learning doctrine!  Last night, I was so delighted to introduce the kids to a prayer journal that I got so that we can keep a record of the things we are praying to God for and anticipate his answers.  We put all of our chairs in a circle and prayed to almighty God.

These things are the most precious treasure to me.  Because they are eternal.  I thank God for his work in and through his people.  I am probably the most undeserving of anyone to serve him.  My Redeemer lives!  And that my soul knows very well.

Never be the same

Father, you have opened wide the door to your throne room.  Forgive us for spending so much of our time on the outside trying to figure things out for ourselves.  You are the God of all creation!  The God who has saved us from eternal death!  How can we ever doubt that you can meet our current needs?  And yet sometimes you desire for us to wait and learn to trust you when we lack.  We are reminded that even your most beloved Son did not enter this world in luxury as he lay in the unusual bed that you provided.  We realize that even with so much blessing and abundance, our tendency is to take our eyes off of your kingdom and spend our days trying to build our own.  Lord, we want to trust you in every moment!  And we need your help even for this.

Father, forgive us for how little we speak your name.  It grieves us that sometimes we are more concerned about offending people than we are about offending you.  Sometimes we forget why we are here.  We forget that you have saved us so that we can tell others about you.  We are more concerned with people liking us and thinking well of us.  But then, if we can only get a glimpse of Christ!  If we can see his unwavering obedience in the midst of opposition...we can see that sometimes the truth is not so well received.  For even though he spoke the truth in perfect love they still wanted to throw him off a cliff (Luke 4:29).  Even though he healed a man, tormented by demons, living in a cemetery, crying and cutting himself...breaking the chains that the people tried in vain to bind him with, the people still wanted Jesus to leave their region.  

"The incessant screams echoing through the night must have frightened even the strongest men.  Only the demons wanted to be near this nobody in the cemetery.  

Until Jesus showed up, that is.  When he showed up, the world changed.  The demons knew their reign in this man was over.  They were no match for the one they recognized as the Son of the Most High God.

The  change in this man is striking, in fact.  The crazy man became sane.  The naked man was clothed.  His screams of demonic control would be replaced with shouts of praise.  So dramatic was his change that the townspeople were frightened when they saw him.  After all, Jesus had done something amazing in his life.

This man did what you and I would likely do: ask to stay with Jesus, who had changed him remarkably.  That wasn't Jesus' plan though.  He doesn't work miracles in our lives so that we can just hang out with him.  He changes us so we can proclaim his power and grace to others.  'Go back home to your own people, and report to them how much the Lord has done for you and how he has had mercy on you,' Jesus told the man...and that's the way it's supposed to work.  A nobody amazed by Jesus tells everybody what Jesus did..." 

(From "Nobodies For Jesus" by Chuck Lawless)

Only Jesus could set him free from the chains that weighed heavy on his soul (Mark 5).  Father, it grieves us that some of our friends and loved ones do not even realize that they are bound.  They are accustomed to life as they have always known it and do not know of the beautiful relationship they are missing with you.  Father, we pray you would open their eyes to the truth.  We pray for the light of the gospel to shine in the darkness.  Help us not to forget that we should be lights that shine for you.  It's not just a cute little saying for kids.  Letting our light shine is everything!  It is why you have made us your own...so that others may see it and glorify you!  

Father, help us to remember that obeying your commandments is just as New Testament as it is Old.  You have not changed.  You have always been merciful, gracious and holy.  You character did not change when you gave us your one and only Son.  In fact, he showed us who you are.  In Jesus we see your glory, full of grace and truth.

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:1-5

Lord, let us never be deceived into thinking that anything apart from your perfect will is good for us. Let us never think that our sin will offer the true and lasting satisfaction that can only be found in walking in your ways. Your "commandments are not burdensome". On the contrary, your commandments are freedom, joy, life and light! We find all of this in you and in your word, Lord. Give us the grace to never forget that we are over comers through faith in Christ. We have believed that Jesus is the Son of God and we will never be the same.

Not me, Lord

When I have a difficult experience that leaves me with raw and tender emotions, it takes a little while to move past it.  I have to wrestle with it and it takes time to process it.  I pray continuously...basically every time it hurts.  I beg for grace to love as God loves.  And to forgive as he forgives.  I cannot find it within myself.  

I know in my heart that the truth of his word will revive and refresh me.  But sometimes there is the voice of doubt that nags me with questions like, "Can God really help you?", "If you think his word is so powerful and helpful then why does it seem so unrelated to what you are feeling right now?" and "It's all stuff you've read before...it's not going to meet this need."

These are the lies that I am tempted to believe.

And there's more.  There is another lie that goes right along with this is one.  It's when I think that getting together with other believers won't be worth it.  I am tempted to let my feelings and the obstacles that I face dictate my actions.  It seems better to withdraw and fade into the background where it's comfortable and no one gets hurt.  Especially me.

Relationships are hard work sometimes.  It's easier to avoid them.  They can be messy things.  There are misunderstandings and offenses.  Sometimes there are offenses that are very difficult to work through.  And if not for God, I think I might lose all hope at times.  But with God there is love and mercy.  For me and for you.

Each time we go through a difficult struggle we will either trust God or believe a lie.  We can make the choice to trust him each time we have to put one foot in front of the other and do the things that are so hard for us.  We definitely need his help to see things his way when our hurts and struggles cloud our vision.  And there is much praying to do as we seek to regain our focus.

Would it surprise to know that sometimes pastor's wives have inner struggles with going to church or events?  It is less of a struggle than it used to be for me.  But I have not entered into an impenetrable bubble where emotions and temptations are not something that I have to deal with.

One particular time, I had been facing some challenges that were stretching me and I was really wrestling with some things.  I didn't want to go to an event and end up struggling inside with people all around me.  Didn't want those emotions coming out and getting noticed!  It's hard to feel like you have to muster up strength when you feel so weak.  And it's hard to stop thinking about yourself and how you feel.  And sadly, you tell yourself stories about how it's probably going to go.  What you imagine may even be based on the hard reality of a past experience.  And wouldn't Satan just love to use that to take you out of commission..."Another one who won't serve, love and encourage the body of Christ.  They would rather wallow in self pity.  Perfect."

We talk ourselves out of things as we imagine how it's going to go and we find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into a slump.  Somehow when we are feeling down, all of the encouraging and uplifting experiences we have had seem to fade into the background.  It is then that the discouraging ones are magnified in our minds.

Again, are we believing the truth or a lie?  Are we as faithful to God as he is to us?  It's true, it might turn out to be a bad experience like you thought it would.  But you know...nine times out of ten it probably won't.  

And you know what?  The tears we are trying to hold inside just might come out and, wonder of wonders, other women may be able to encourage us like we never even thought possible.  It's a beautiful thing when that happens, isn't it?

I find that when God helps me to work through my feelings, my hurts and my doubts, I end up praying a simple, heartfelt prayer.  I have prayed it many times.  I often pray this when I am driving on my way to meet with God's people or with anyone for that matter.  Just a few words...

"It's not about me, Lord.  Not me, but you!  And not me, Lord.  But them."

Not very eloquent, I know.  But my goal is to impress it so deep into my heart and mind that it never leaves!  It is always a resolute decision.  This is me battling with myself.  It is me battling with the tendency to put myself first.  I battle it because I know that is not where I belong.  That is God's place.  And the people he has placed in my life to serve, love and encourage?  They come before me too.  This is the attitude of one who desires to follow Christ (Phil. 2...just read the whole thing...). And it is so easy to get the order mixed up.  Thank God for his patience with us!

But sadly, we can become so self-centered that we are battling God instead of our selfishness.  We are saying no to something that he wants us to do.  We are going after what we want and not what he wants.  God, help us to see when we are doing that!

It always helps me to think of Jesus.  He always did what was pleasing to the Father.  Even when it was hard.  Very hard.  Like going to the cross and suffering more than we can ever imagine, hard.  But he did it for the "joy that was set before him" (Heb. 12:2).  He said, "Not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).  Is that my attitude?  I sure want it to be.  And I pray that for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Things won't always go as we expect.  How many times have I gone to gathering of God's people and come away from it more encouraged than I ever thought possible!  And I am so glad that I went! Yes, there are the discouraging times too.  But you know what?  I believe that God uses even those for his glory.  He just wants your willingness.  He wants you to pray before you decide to stay home.  He wants your heart.  And he wants to teach you to love him more than anything else...especially more than you love yourself.  This is something that I am sure I will be learning and relearning my whole life through!

It's not about me, Lord.  But you.  Amazing, gracious and wonderful you.  Your will be done in me, I pray.

It's worth the effort

Last night, after most of the children had gone to bed, I settled in on my couch with a new crochet project.  Taking a ball of yarn and making something with it just thrills me.  The yarn was chosen by me.  I hunted online for the perfect stitch.  I had my favorite crochet hook ready to go.  This would be a unique creation.  The fact that it is also a gift only added to the excitement.

Everything was going well until I realized that I was doing the stitch incorrectly.  In fact, I had done stitches where I wasn't supposed to and my project was coming out all weird and wavy.  After about an hour of work (at least I was somewhat watching movie) I reluctantly had to unravel my project.  

No matter, at least I had realized my mistake.  I began again.  I kept testing the size around my neck to make sure it would fit well.  It seemed good but the further along I went, the tighter it seemed to get.  I wanted it to have at least some drape to it.  I could keep going (very tempting at this point) and end up with an infinity scarf that is too small and will never be worn or I could learn from that mistake too and start again with more stitches this time.  

Even with something as relaxing and enjoyable as crochet it is hard to undo your hard work and effort.  It's tempting to think that time has been wasted since all the work is undone.  But is it wasted?  Didn't I learn from those mistakes?  I have had some measure of success with other scarves.  Not totally perfect but I was still pleased with the results.  But I was really earning my stripes with this one.  Each time I unraveled it I felt a little frustrated but I also dreamed of how beautiful it was going to be when I finally got it right.

I was thinking about this today as I was going about my morning routine.  I thought about how much this concept relates to ministry and our efforts to serve God.  Not everything gets off the ground so easily no matter how good your intentions.  Not everything plays out exactly as you plan or imagine it would.

Efforts are made, time is spent, energy is expended and it does not go as well as we would have hoped.  But you know what?  It's ok.  Really it is.  Because God is still at work.  We are learning.  We are works in progress.  The whole lot of us!  

He will be at work through every failure, every disappointment and every dashed hope.  He has power to work in hearts in a way that no one on this earth can.  He doesn't need large numbers.  He has an even greater vision than we do of what he wants his church to become.  He is the author and finisher of our faith!  He is not done!  No matter how small your turn out.  No matter how little response you get for you efforts.  Don't lose heart.  Stay faithful.  Keep at it.  And who knows what wonderful things God might do through you if you stick with it and never give up.  

Learning to bend

When we get married we usually consider ourselves to be "grown ups".  But what many of us don't realize is just how much growing up we will have to do in the years ahead.  Two sinful, and in many ways, selfish people are learning to understand and love one another.  And to love in such a way that they are willing to deny themselves and do what is best for the other.  Learning how to do that is a lifelong process with many ups and downs.  And it is not for the faint of heart.

I don't know about you and your spouse but my husband and I are two different people.  We don't always think and do things in the same way.  We have had differing opinions about dispensing toothpaste (age-old classic disagreement, right?) and how much force to use when closing a car door. 

And then there are much more sensitive topics like finances and how precious time is spent.  It can be a real challenge to come together and agree on these things.  Each of us has certain things that are very important to us.  We often wish that our spouse sensed that importance as much as we do.  But I can testify to the fact that it will often take time, patience and whole lot of prayer.  And of course, change.  But it is not only our spouse that needs to change.  It's us too.  And believe me, if we respond to tough situations with prayer and our hearts are yielded to Christ, he will do the work he needs to do in us. 

I have had moments of frustration and sheer desperation when all I could do was cry out, "Lord, show me how I can best love him in this!" (and I am pretty sure that my husband prays a similar prayer!) Now, let's paint this picture accurately, it has often taken me a while to bend to that point.  But the older I grow with my dear husband, the better I am becoming at turning to God for wisdom and direction.  I am learning to respond to difficulties rather than react to them.  Because reacting usually brings more trouble than it does solutions, right?

God gave us the ultimate expression of love in sending his perfect and only Son to die a sinner's death.  He didn't deserve the suffering and we don't deserve the benefits.  But God was willing to give him for us!  Shouldn't we have the same willingness to focus a little less on what we are getting out of our marriage and focus a little more on what we can put into it?  

I understand, you might be thinking that you put in plenty already but what are those points of contention that you are facing in your marriage?  Have you prayed about them?  Is there a way that you could focus more on ways that you can love your spouse and do what is in their best interest?  Even if it means saying no to yourself?  Are you willing to bend?  Or are you waiting around for him to get everything right first?  If so, you may end up waiting a long while.  Might God want to use you, shape you and make you into a wife who can honor him regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do?

Sure, bring up the issues (and try not to do it just after he brings up an issue to you!)  But don't turn the tables on him.  Just take what he says to heart and pray hard.  Don't wait for him to be the first to bend.  Be willing to do some bending of your own.  Be willing to pray to a God who hears and works powerfully in your husband's heart in ways that you cannot fathom.  Our willingness to bend in our marriage is directly related to how yielded we are to Christ.  He has already given us his all.  How can we give him any less?

Open our eyes

Hearts may be darkened and held captive by the power of sin but there is One whose power has broken the chains of sin and death.  There is One whose perfection covers our imperfections.  

There is One who shows us how needy we really are.  We can compare ourselves to others and conclude that their need is greater than our own.  But that is our pride and arrogance.  When we compare ourselves to Him, we see how much we fall short of His glory.  And it is in this realization that a wonderful relationship begins. 

A relationship that is based on our need being met by a perfect and holy God.  This is the truest and most beautiful love we will ever know.

Many people do not understand what this Christianity thing is all about.  They think it's church on Sunday and living according to certain standards...praying before you eat and not saying bad words. Sure, these things should be a result of a changed heart.  But they are not all.

I am not the same person I used to be.  And it is not because I got religion.  It is not because I turned my life around.  It is because God met my deepest need.  I thought I was pretty moral compared to some.  But then the splendor of his holiness showed me otherwise.  I thought I had made a pretty good life for myself until I understood that he had given me my life and I wasn't living it for him.  I thought that, overall, I had made good enough choices but I wept when I realized my guilt and that God had chosen to love me and forgive because His Son died for my sins.

I am thankful that God, in his amazing love and mercy, opened my eyes to my need for forgiveness.  He helped me to see that I was not whole, I was not right and that all I ever needed was found in Christ!

It doesn't matter what circumstance we are in, we can thank God for the wonderful grace we have been shown.  Each of us will face a certain degree of imperfections during the holidays.  Relationships are difficult and not always what we wish they were.  Our pies might get burnt.  We may feel lonely and long for better days.  Take heart!  God is at work in and through us!  

People are trusting in Christ to forgive their sins.  People are choosing to show love and grace instead of hate and bitterness.  This is God's work.  And it is glorious to behold.

 

What truly matters most

I now understand what it feels like to send my first born off to college.  Will it be easier the second time around?  I wondered how the reality of things would hit me when she left.  I felt such a strange mix of grief and gladness all at once.  Every time I thought of how much I love my daughter, my hopes for her, the way God has provided for her already, all the years...the memories...my beautiful girl!  I even cried when I brewed a pot of coffee because I usually brew some for her too.

When I think over the past nineteen years of our life with Amera, I can't help but think of the truly meaningful things.  Most of all, the time we invested in teaching her about God.  My mind goes to those things.  The times we read missionary biographies together.  The time that her and I memorized the book of James together and surprised my husband for his birthday when we could quote the whole thing!  The times we got up earlier than all the others and prayed and did our Bible study together once a week.  

All of these things took some planning and plenty of thought and effort too.  And I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging.  I just want so much for families to experience the blessing of God's joy, peace and love in their homes.  Putting God first does not always come easily.  In fact, it rarely does.  

It's going to take some goal setting and seriously thinking about what you hope to instill in the hearts of your children.  

As for me, I have one in college.  But I also have seven more that are still here.  I know my time with them is short.  How am I using it?  That is a question that I often ask.  And admittedly I don't always like my answer.  But there is always hope and I can always make changes starting now.  By God's grace I can be spent for the sake Christ and devote my time to teaching my children about him.

This evening we sang together as a family.  It's been a while since we've done that.  I think my husband was pretty inspired by the big "hymn sing" we had at church.  He's been singing ever since!  I love that!  

And then, my little girl and I were sweeping the floor and cleaning up after dinner and she was just full of questions.  Whenever my children ask questions it is like the most amazing gift to me!  Those natural moments when they feel safe enough to open their hearts and share with me what they've been thinking about and struggling to understand.  What a wonderful opportunity I have as a mom!  

Please don't misunderstand me.  I know the regret of wasted time.  I understand the struggle of knowing when to put away the screens and give more to my kids. I feel like I give them so much by taking care of their physical needs.  But what about the spiritual?  That doesn't always come easily.  They don't always want to do it.  And they aren't always as quiet as I want them to be.  

But you know what I've learned?  I've learned to stop waiting for the perfect circumstance.  Because it never comes.  They need you to lead them.  To show them what really matters.  They need you to teach them all there is to know about God.  

Because when it's all said and done.  Knowing him is everything.  And I know that if I have done all I can to lead them on that path, then I have done well.  They're in God's hands, just like they've always been. 

"I love my church"

Sam, our one year old, has this electronic toy that plays songs about various things that have special meaning to little people.  When you push the red buttons a child-like voice sings about her love for her shirt, shoes, coat and pajamas.  She'll sing about the special qualities of the thing she "loves".

We probably use the word love a little more casually than we ought to.  And so much so, that we tend to forget what it really means.  Far too often, we love things (and people) only as long as they are meeting our needs and keeping us happy.

When we say "I love my church" do we mean that we love God's church?  Not just the facilities and resources it possesses or the ministries it offers but the people within its walls?  And not just the people that you get along with?  But more than that, do we love God so much that we want his will to be done and not our own?

I read in the Scriptures of Jesus who emptied himself, became a servant and was obedient unto death (Phil. 2).  And who are we that we should receive such grace and benefit from such an amazing sacrifice?  

Are we committed to loving and serving even when our perceived needs are not being met?  Will we step forward to serve when the services we'd like to see are non-existent?  Maybe you have a burden for a particular thing and God wants to use you to start something for his glory?

Sadly, our inclination is to withdraw from fellowship when we sense any lack.  But if we are prayerful and devoted to understanding the teachings of the Scriptures, then our minds can be renewed with the attitude of Christ who came not to be served but to serve (Matt. 20:28).  How much more should we have this attitude?  We, who have been mercifully saved from our sin by his grace?  

It's easy to recognize the selfless beauty of Christ's attitude and to appreciate it.  But it is not so easy to put it into practice.  

We tend to have the opposite attitude.  It's not uncommon for God's people to have a consumer mindset toward church.  When we buy something we expect it to be worth the money we spent on it.  If we are taking the time to go to church, we might think "It had better be worth my while."  Do you notice the attitude of entitlement there?

Don't get me wrong, being "fed" spiritually from the preaching of the Word is important.  Being loved and encouraged in your faith are important.  You might even be thinking that you would serve if only you were given the opportunity!  But in all of this...our attitude...what is our attitude?

We really need to shift our focus from getting to giving.  We should "Go to give".  I read that somewhere years ago and it has stuck with me.  Are there benefits that we will receive from the ministry of our church?  Yes!  But sometimes we will have to wait on the Lord, his timing, his work in hearts, his will for us.  These things do not happen over night.  And God is far more interested in us having the attitude of Christ and submitting to his will than in getting our own way.

It is tragic that people spend so much time "feeling disconnected" and not having their expectations met that they fail to realize just how connected they really are! 

God desires for us to live out this true and vital connection with the Body of Christ by having the attitude of Christ.  He came to serve.  If even the King of glory had this attitude, shouldn't we?

(NOTE: To be clear, there are unhealthy and unsafe situations that a person should not remain in.  Please prayerfully seek wisdom from the Lord and godly counsel from people that you trust.  I am speaking here to Christians who are in churches that have biblical preaching, teaching and practice.  Yet, as all churches are, imperfect places where people sin and don't get it right 100% of the time.) 

We're not competing, we're on the same team

Surely, there is so much more to our relationships with each other as women than we often settle for.  We have built up far too many walls between us.  We have made far too many comparisons of ourselves with other women.  We are so quick to forget that God has given each of us our own unique gifts and talents to serve him with.  Because of our jealousy we begin to despise other women who are made in God's image.  This ought not to be.  

Have you noticed that the more we compare ourselves with each other, the more competitive we become?  I do not want to compete with others.  I want to be who God made me to be and be happy that you are being who God made you to be.  I want us to be on the same team, cheering each other on.  I want us to be humble enough to admit our faults to each other.  To then be able to encourage each other and effectively pray for one another.

God has given you gifts and talents that he has not given me.  You may be better equipped to play music, organize an event, notice a particular need and meet it, teach, pray, cook or create.  We may have similar talents.  Let us use them to serve Christ.  If you are better at something, it doesn't make you more and me less.  If I excel in one way, I should not be proud and your pride should not be hurt.  Pride should be far from us as women of God!

Instead, we should humbly acknowledge that we are who we are by the grace and mercy of God and encourage one another in serving Christ.  You may inspire me and I may inspire you and I may be challenged to improve and grow in Christ because of your shining example.  Iron sharpens iron.  That is as it should be.

But when we lose sight of the real goal we have as women of God, which is to know Christ and make him known, we become distracted by comparisons and differences and Satan gets a foothold.  

Let's serve him together with our hearts united in a common goal.  We all have our own set of strengths as well as shortcomings.  We cannot hide the latter nor should we be so intent on trying.  Because then how would we effectively pray for each other or sharpen and be sharpened?  

Let's get to know more of Christ and make him known.  And all along the way, let's love one another as he has loved us!  For without love we are but clanging cymbals.  A wonderful way to begin on that path to harmony and unity is to begin to pray for the women you struggle with.  Pray for the women who rub you the wrong way.  When you realize that you are comparing yourself to another woman confess it to God and pray for her.  Pray that God would help you to love her as Christ loves her.  Pray that God would use her gifts and talents for his glory and honor.  Pray whenever those thoughts come and don't give up.  Because love, unity and effective Spirit-led ministry depend upon it.

For now, hope is the answer

We run a risk when we open up and show our real selves with others, don't we?  We fear painting the picture of ourselves with too many strokes of one color.  We are hesitant to show any chinks in our armor because we fear that is all that people will see of us.  And we are certainly more than our problems and struggles, aren't we?

But the truth is, our struggles are what God is using to shape and mold us into people who are more like Christ.  And we are all facing our own share of struggles daily.  When we face adversity it is no accident.  God is actually working through the challenges and trials we face to mature us in our faith.  That truth encourages me to persevere.

See because like you, I have very difficult days.  One in particular this week was a real struggle.  There was my will and then...there was God's.  I wanted things easier, I wanted things more orderly, I wanted more control of how my day was going.  I was discouraged because it seems that there are so many things in my life right now that I am trying to improve.  I make plans and I try to fulfill them.  I set goals and I try to accomplish them.  Family meetings are held and everyone is given a chance to speak.  Things are made clear and my children know what I expect and yet...we struggle.  It seems that for every bit of progress we make there is just as much, if not more that we need to make.  It's a cycle that repeats itself over and over again in my life.  I am beginning to think that it will always continue.

I admit (especially when I look back on it) that I am thankful for this refining process that God brings me through.  But when I am going through the process it just feels like an unwanted interruption in the daily flow of my life.  It wears me out and I feel tired and stretched.

When I have a really difficult day it is as if a cloud of dust encompasses me and all I really want to do is get out of it but I can hardly see.  And I'm not sure which way to go or what to do first.  I feel discouraged and I want to curl up in a ball and wait until the dust storm passes.  And I do, for a while.  And I feel sad that I am stuck in this storm.  But I know if I don't get moving I may be there a while and there are people who are depending on me.

Many moments are spent with my eyes closed, feebly reaching out, grasping for help to get out of the cloud of dust that surrounds me.  My prayers are not long or eloquent.  All I can do is groan and mumble "Oh, Lord.  Help me."

I spent quite a while attempting to emerge from that dust cloud.  I cried and desperately wished that I wasn't in it.  But every time I tried to take a step forward, the harsh, overwhelming wind knocked me down and I had to reach out for God again.

I realized later that what I needed most was hope renewed.  I needed the courage to see that all of my efforts are not in vain.  That it's all worth it.  All of my struggles, day in and day out.  I can still have hope even in the midst of failure.  Because through my failures I am learning to depend on God more and to be strong in him.  I learn what doesn't work well and what does.  Sure, I want to be spared from learning the hard way but sometimes going through it is what helps me to learn.

I certainly don't have all the answers and solutions yet.  I probably never will as long as I live on this earth.  But I know who I trust with my life.  I can always have hope with God.  I am confident that he will give me grace to persevere and continue to make progress.  However minimal and slow that may be.  Progress is still progress.

My hope in God is what helped me to emerge from that cloud of dust to see the sunshine again.  And it really is a breath of fresh air.  

Trusting changes things in a moment

Trusting God can be such a perfect mix of difficult and simple.  Disappointing and unexpected news can send us reeling.  Sometimes we can feel as though our feet have been knocked out from under us.  The situation can seem utterly impossible.  And we question how we will ever overcome the obstacles.  We can begin to give in to worry and our God may seem distant and small in those moments.  Our problem has grown into a giant filling our heart with fear and threatening our well-being, not only physically but spiritually.

Making the decision to trust a loving and faithful God with our circumstances can completely change things.  In a single moment a person can go from worry, fear and despair to calm, confident trust.  I know, because I have experienced it.  And the thing that trusting in God changes the most is the person who chooses do it.

God is worthy of our trust.  He is the reason we have hope!  Think of his sovereignty and how he sent his Son into the world so that those who believe in him could be saved.  Nothing could have hindered that love that came down from heaven!  No evil and no difficult circumstance.  God's will was being accomplished.  He is accomplishing his will in your life right now.

Remember what you have believed about him.  Remember that he created all things by the word of his power.  Think of the sun, moon and stars...the fruits and vegetables you will (or should) eat today :) ...the way he made you...the fact that he is in all places at all times keeping watch...he sees all and he knows all.  Nothing escapes his attention and nothing is too hard for him.  NOTHING  is impossible with God.  The hairs of your head are all numbered.  He is that attentive to you!

He spoke to the wind and waves and they were still...he knows the stars by name!  Think of it!  How can we doubt that this amazing God who loves us so much is working in our lives for our good?  Even through the things that disappoint and cause us to fear the days ahead.  "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you."  The psalmist chooses to trust and so will I.  This isn't just some cutesy verse for little kids who are afraid of the dark.  This is one of the most important choices a person can make.  It is a choice grown men and women will need to make when they face the unknown.  Because we choose to trust our unknown future to a known God.  We will often do it through tears but it is the best decision we can make.

He is working in your life in very specific ways.  It all matters.  It all counts.  He can be honored and glorified by how you respond to your trials.  You can have peace and calm in your heart as you turn to him in trust.  No one is more worthy of it than our God.

Spending meaningful time together

It may sound crazy coming from a stay-at-home mom who home schools but here goes: I don't spend enough meaningful time with my kids.

Oh, I know, most of us would say the same thing.  We might always feel like we could do more.  And as for me, this knowing that I wanted to change my approach and be much more intentional with the time we spend and the way we spend it has been simmering for years.  I've made little changes here and there and I've done what I could.  That's all you can do, right?  But I have really been hungering for more.  I am not satisfied and I knew that some things needed to change.

I want to connect in meaningful and bonding ways with every person under this roof.  How is it that I can sometimes go days without hugging, having a meaningful conversation, and praying with my kids?!  It can happen if I am not intentional about it.

Every family has ups and downs each and every day.  I have often chuckled to myself because not long after I post a sweet, happy photo on Facebook we often find ourselves in the throes of some little person drama.  People are bursting into tears and there are often ugly situations that need attention and the grace of God.  I will spare you those photos!

And the messes we make!  Oh, my!  And you know what that means?  That means this mama is very intent on controlling the mess and making sure every one is cleaning and picking up.

I have gone days where the only thing my children hear from me is what we need to do next.  One task after another.  They also have school work to do.  And they would have fun and relaxing activities to look forward to.  But those activities would often not involve me.  They would do their thing and I was busy doing mine.

We almost always come together as a family in the evenings.  But I really wanted to connect with my kids as individuals.  To strengthen our bond in the sweet and happy moments.  So that it doesn't begin to feel like all I am doing is correcting and disciplining.  We need to have fun together!

It doesn't have to cost any money or require an extravagant trip to a theme park (though that would be fun too).  But it is going to require a willing mama.  A mama that recognizes how much her kids need to be loved and treasured.  A mama who sees how desperately her kids need her to look them in the eye and log off of social media.  Yes, there is a time and place for all that and we need discernment, don't we?  We need to be careful that we are not so busy soaking in all of the details of someone else's life that we forget to soak in our own.  But the beauty of it is that we get to decide.  We can set those parameters and with the Spirit's help we can stick to them.

I have begun to do two things that I think are going to go a long way in me strengthening my relationships with my kids.  The first is to put my phone to really good use and put each of them on the calendar.  I started with February.  Each child gets a special, focused, no screens time with mama on the day their birthday falls on.  And they get to look forward to that each month.  I know, eight kids!  That's a lot of people on the calendar, right?!  Well, it has been so helpful to have a planned time for each of them to look forward to and I look forward to it too!  Tonight was Isabel's night.  She was beyond excited!  My husband and I went out for dinner (we avoid the Valentine's Day crowds and go the day after) and my phone buzzed with a reminder that said "ISABEL".  We managed to eat dinner, pick up a few small things at Lowe's, get a few groceries and then get home so that I could spend some special time with Izzy before she went to bed.  If I didn't plan this she would probably just go to bed as usual and I would have really missed out on making more memories with my sweet girl.  We simply read a few books because we haven't done that in a few days, we snuggled and I prayed with her.  I thanked God for her and prayed for her. She was a bit reluctant to go to bed but I just love how she loves to be with me.  I need to nurture that!

The second thing I am doing is minimizing stuff.  I began to evaluate our trouble spots.  What is it that is hindering us from doing some of the things we'd like to do?  One big thing is the amount of time we have had to spend just picking up all sorts of little things that little people like to carry all over the house.  Legos, blocks, little plastic people, little magnet people etc.  It was becoming a constant issue.  I spent the day today gathering up all of the little things and they are now being stored in a closet in my room.  They are off limits during the week.  We'll pull them out on rainy days and weekends.  I might even decide that we don't need them at all.  We'll see.  But I am really looking forward to seeing what the week will be like without their constant presence.  I also filled a few bags of donations to minimize clutter.  I am really developing a dislike for stuffed animals.  I used to love them.  But the problem is they are enjoyed for a short time and then take up valuable space for a long time.  We have kept a few really special ones but many of them just needed to go.

There is so much else that we have to spend our time cleaning on a daily basis.  I am hoping that this decision will cut that time in half.  And the kids are thrilled about what we did today!  Even they are tired of the toys and the mess.  They would rather run and play outside and ride their bikes or go the park or have more time to play instruments and pursue art.  Or maybe just snuggle on the couch with mom a little more?  Now there's an idea!

When the heart complains

Sometimes a mom just needs a break.  Sometimes a Target trip for dishwasher detergent results in also buying a notebook and pen and sitting down with coffee and banana bread in the Starbucks near the exit.  I didn't exactly plan it that way when I left the house but thankfully I have an understanding husband who was at home with the kids.  A little time to write and reflect was just what this mama needed.

Tough Saturday morning for me.  There was too much to do and too much that I was allowing to weigh on me.  I think it's safe to say that we all struggle with things not being the way we'd like them to be.  And sometimes it's just the little things adding up into one big thing if we let them.  And I just had so much to accomplish today and if I had it my way I'd race around doing it and have everything just so...but no.

And the Spirit reminds me to "Slow down, one thing at a time and with joy..."  But the baby is crying again.  He needs me to hold him.  I have helping hands but he wants me and only me.  It feels like I can hardly put him down anymore.  I wake up to his cries in the morning and all I want to do is just sit with my cup of coffee in solitude and jot down words in my Bible study booklet.  But I sit with him to settle him down again and I remember that I have a Bible app on my phone.  If I could just resist the urge to check social media first and just get my eyes into the Word!  I can even listen to it if I want to!  I can hold the baby and close my eyes and pray.  It may not be as I envisioned it or how I want it but I don't have to be hindered in having time with God.  As they say, "It is what it is."

I just get tired sometimes.  Oh, don't worry about me.  It's normal, isn't it?  And sometimes the pressure of what we need to accomplish on a daily basis is such a heavy weight and we need to find our rest in God.

I had such a good cry this morning.  I was thankful for a bathroom with a locked door and wonder of wonders no one knocked on it when I was in there!  I was glad that the kids had music playing so that they couldn't hear my sobs--because sometimes you only want God to hear.  And I just cried my heart out to God as I sat there on the floor.  Because I need him!  I need strength to persevere with joy.  I need help knowing what to put first and what can wait.  I don't want my kids to have a grumpy mama who only cares that they clean the house today.  And believe me, we've done a lot of cleaning but having my attitude right made all the difference.  I could have done a lot of damage to souls had I not locked myself in that bathroom for a little while.

Because my heart just wanted to complain.  I get tired of having to do the same things day by day.  I just never feel done...and the more my heart complains, the more I begin to realize that I need to give thanks to God.

And so I thanked him.  For the home he's given us to make all our messes in.  For the amazing gift of these precious children.  For life!  And a thriving, energetic little boy who loves his mommy and wants to be with me.  I thank him for clothes to wear...and fold and put away...Dishes to eat the food that he so graciously provides...

I really could go on and it makes the tears well up again!  Because God is SO good!  To you and to me.  And for every complaint that my heart would like to dwell on there are a thousand more things that I can thank him for.  And you know, I think that is what I would rather do.  Because nothing should shake the joy that I have in Christ.

When truly understanding takes effort

My husband and I like to share articles with each other.  Sometimes I'll send him a link with the words "What do you think of this?"  Sometimes he'll agree with it and be blessed and encouraged and other times he will point something out that I hadn't noticed before.  And we'll discuss it back and forth sharing our thoughts and insights.  And we sharpen each other, as it should be.  We are confident in the unchanging truth of the Word of God but humble enough (by God's grace) to admit when our opinions are wrong.  We understand that no human being is beyond the potential for error.  Not them, not us.

When we read these articles we see the value in reading the comments as we seek for more understanding through the different perspectives of the people sharing there.  Often times the comments actually help to refine and round out the point being made.  It is not always that the author has failed to explain their point but you can only say so much in one article.  If you have ever tried to write something on a topic you will know what I mean.  And it is a frightful thing when a person takes your words the wrong way and doesn't even give you a chance to explain what you meant!  We have seen this as we read some of the comments and see that some people have completely misunderstood what the author was obviously trying to say.  Words are twisted to take on a meaning the author plainly did not intend.  And people are reacting emotionally to the topic.

It reminds me of how people reacted to the Lord himself when he walked this earth.  Many times they reacted emotionally to his words and it was usually because of their pride.  Their emotionally reactions were so strong at times that they wanted to throw Jesus off of a cliff and even stone him to death!  To me, one of the most amazing passages in Scripture is in John chapter 8.  Read the heated argument between Jesus and the Pharisees and notice how Jesus continues speaking the most wonderful truths to them over and over.  And they get angrier and angrier!  They don't seek to understand.  They are set in their ways.  They will not change their thinking no matter what he says because their hearts are hard as stone.  Does it make you shudder?  I don't know about you but I never want to be so hardhearted and stubborn that even the most wonderful words of truth and life fail to penetrate my heart.

People are often quick to assume, quick to jump to conclusions, and quick to think they have people pegged.  And people can be so harsh and bitter.  They are unwilling to listen or even try to understand.  This is a very sad place to be.  And the direct opposite of God's will for his people.

As God's people we should be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (James 1:19).  We should remember that "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion" (Proverbs 18:2).  We should "pursue what makes for peace and mutual up building" (Romans 14:19).

Far too often we allow Satan to have the victory and create a gulf of division between us.  Don't give him a foothold.  It will wreak havoc in our churches.  Instead, seek peace and pursue it.  Seek to understand and do all things in love.  And by God's grace, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)

May we grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus and sharpen each other in love.  And may God bless our efforts to bring him honor through it.

when the word is "no"

It is hard for the mother of a new baby to go from the cuddling, comforting, and "I'll do whatever I can for you when you cry" status to being a mom who tells their baby "no".  Your sweet child has never heard that word directed at them.  For months, you have given them what they cried for.  Granted, they haven't wanted much...milk, to burp, a clean diaper, to be held...but you have given them this day in and day out.

And then, it seems like almost overnight they start to show the telltale signs of what they really believe.  They believe that they are the boss!  They think that they can control circumstances.  They will sit...but only if they want to (get ready for the stiff legs and arched back) and they will take a nap when and if they want to (get ready for the loud cries).  

If you are like me, you will probably struggle a little through this stage.  You are so accustomed to getting your child to stop crying.  And now, even though you are doing what is good for them, you are causing them to cry because they don't like your plans for them.  Sometimes we are softies and give in to that.  I think that we put up with way to much just to keep our kids from crying.  They are going to cry when things don't go their way.  But you know what?  It's necessary for them to learn this.

We have a room in our house where we have a piano and two chairs.  I have often enjoyed sitting in one of the chairs for a few moments of relaxation while Sam plays with his toys.  Well, his toys are boring to him now.  Guess what he has discovered?  He has discovered two very attractive and enticing guitars that we have on guitar stands.  He likes to crawl over to them and touch them.  I understand the appeal but I also know what can happen when a baby of eleven months of age "plays" with a guitar.  The guitars have nearly tipped over a few times and it would not take much to destroy them.  As I have sat there trying to relax I have often lamented that I cannot because it is inevitable that Sam will be attracted to the guitars and all of my "No Sam" words will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't understand that word yet.  But soon he will.  And he desperately needs to learn it!  

I could remove the guitars and make things a little easier on myself.  But I'm choosing to value his discipline more than my comfort!  Don't worry, I know I will have other opportunities to relax. (I hope!)  But the point is, I am seeing this as an opportunity to teach Sam.

If I let him have what he wants all the time how will he ever learn self-control?  How will he learn that when mommy says no she really means it?  He cannot see all of the potential problems with "playing" with those guitars that I can.  He honestly does not know any better.  But I love him and I know that saying no will help him to mature.

I can't help but think of the spiritual implications of this.  Does not our wise, heavenly Father know what is best to give and to withhold?  He sees all there is to see and knows just what we need to mature and be more like his Son, Jesus.  Just because he doesn't give us everything we ask for does not mean that he doesn't love us.  On the contrary, it is because he loves us that he will sometimes say no.  It may be hard for us when we are really going through it but someday we will look back and praise him for it.  Because we will realize that in his perfect wisdom God really did know what was best.

families need to grow

As a family we are always growing and changing.  Each year I carefully plan out our daily schedule and it is always changing along with us.  We learn what works and what doesn't.  We learn from our mistakes.  We realize when we spent too much time on one thing and not enough time on another.  We learn what works best through much trial and error.  And at the end of the day, though it didn't go as smoothly as we would've liked, we have a talk about it and we resolve to do better tomorrow.

There are things that are said and almost instantly regretted.  There are attitudes that we wish never plagued us.  There are things that we wish we could have done if only we had enough time...

I live in a house with nine other people, most of them little.  Do you know how often someone is offended or has a hard time agreeing with the other?  I lose count on any given day.  And it's not always the little people's fault!  We are a family.  And families have a lot of growing to do.  God puts us right in the context of our family and he desires for us to grow within that context.  And we grow through all of our struggles to get along.  And we grow through all of our wants not being immediately fulfilled.  Because moment by moment we are getting better at not putting ourselves first and putting others first instead.  It is not easy and it takes effort!  But we are being taught by Jesus and he is working on us!

It's no different with our church families.  Our church families are also growing and changing.  We try new things as we seek to please and serve the Lord.  Some things work well and some things don't.  We look to God's Word and we seek to understand it and obey it.  Sometimes we realize that we are spending too much time focusing on things that don't suit us and not enough time on loving people.  Loving people like Jesus did!  And being busy about living and sharing the gospel.

We have to give each other room to grow.  We have to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven us.  Mercy, grace, faithfulness and love are our lights to shine in this dark world.  We are all imperfect and needing to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am gladly joining the journey knowing that there will be many bumps in the road.  But by God's grace I will keep holding on.

the heart spill

Just pulled out my green, generic Moleskine journal.  The one I bought about a little over a year ago.  The one that I had planned to write all of the things pertaining to our life here.  A way of documenting the journey with all of its joys and heartaches.  My writings in that journal lasted about a month.  I tucked it away and after we moved into our house I wondered if I would ever write in it again.

Tonight presented a much needed opportunity.  It helps to write out all of the things that weigh heavy on my heart.  To not worry about how I'm coming across and just let my heart spill out onto the page.  All of the things pressing in and causing concern...all of the things that I feel I need more time to do and the plans that are so important...I know I am not the only one who feels this way.  It is just life, isn't it?  I am beginning to realize that I may never feel like I am doing enough.

So I just wrote it all out on the page.  No fancy handwriting...I went from a bullet list of all the things I'm concerned about to a prayer and then back to the list as more and more came to mind.  I have to say, I feel better.  God knows my limitations.  I even asked him to help me with the things that I have no desire to do.  "Change my heart, Lord!  And renew a right spirit within me, I pray!"

Today is my birthday.  I have no qualms with being public about my age.  I am thirty eight.  The fact that I am approaching forty is something I marvel at.  Me? Forty?  Seems so strange.  But it's coming and sometimes it seems to be happening so fast.  Another thing you might think strange is that I smile when my husband or my children notice a gray hair here and there.  I also delight in every white hair in my husband's beard.  They are almost like little badges of honor that we have made it this far in life.  I am so thankful for this life God has given me.  I think that jotting all of that stuff down in my journal helped me to remember that even though it feels overwhelming sometimes I've just got to take it one step at a time.  And never stop praying.  God is at work!  And I want him to be honored in my life.

"mad mama moments"

When attempting to write about one's day the words don't always come easily.  Sometimes the heart is full of complaints, the things that were trying...the things that make a person long for the day to come to an end...yes, this day had moments like that.

But before I get to those moments I want to begin by giving thanks for God's blessings in my life today.  Because if I don't do that you will only get part of the story.

I am glad that I had time to read.  I read words that encouraged and refreshed me.  I had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee, this morning and this afternoon!  I had time to work on projects.  I did some sanding in the garage while the littles napped and others played outside.  I crocheted a row of stitches on a blanket for a baby that may be born before I can finish (trying not to worry about that time crunch factor).  I had the energy to work hard at the goal of keeping my house clean and in order...

I could probably go on but the more I think about today, the more the pleasant begins to mix with the difficult.  I feel utterly spent and I haven't even left the house.

I couldn't possibly begin to describe every detail of all the messes, mishaps, and 'mad mama moments" (LOL) that occurred today but suffice it to say that we had all of those.  One of them involved blood...and a shaving razor.  Don't worry, everyone is just fine.  Bandaged...and fine.

Probably worse than that was the upsetting moment when two different sets of children just so happened to have issues happening right around the same time.

This mama felt frustrated.  I was tired of disagreements and children behaving selfishly.  I wanted to be in a very quiet place...all alone for a good long while.

Children cried...I cried.  There was a lot of crying.

With tears running down my cheeks I told my four middle children that we were going to take a break.  I told them that I was frustrated and that I needed to pray.  I told them to sit (in separate places) and quietly look at books and I put Isabel into bed for her afternoon nap.  She feel asleep almost instantly.  I know this because after I cried my heart out and prayed to God for what must have only been a few minutes I went into the room to ask her to forgive me (because sometimes when mommies are frustrated they aren't as loving as they ought to be) and she had already fallen asleep.  So back to praying and crying I went and I just have to say I DO NOT KNOW what I would do without my God!

I don't know about you but sometimes I have days when I just feel like I can't take another thing!  But God gives me hope and courage.  He reminds me that in all of these things HE is at work.

In all of the messes...in all of the mishaps and most certainly in all of the "mad mama moments".

Yes, he is at work in my life.  And I am so very glad.

Dear children...

[A letter to my children after a tiring day of assignments to finish and tasks to complete...]

I know I don't always show it but I share your desire to have fun.  And even though I am often telling you what needs to be done and asking you if you have done everything on your list I (just like you) long for times when we can just slow down and laugh together.  

I just want the work to be done so that we enjoy the fruits of our labors.  I am hoping that you learn the joy that comes from a job well done.  I am hoping that you learn how much time it saves when you do the job right the first time.  I still remember my parents telling me this and I find myself saying the same thing to you and inwardly I wonder if you are really hearing me or not.

I was a kid once too.  I know how you feel.  But I also know how you need to grow and change the way you think about the work you have to do.  Today had its struggles and those things that were left undone or done halfway or not at all just caused this momma to wonder if we'll ever get this ship sailing smoothly.  But bad days tend to brush a dark stroke over all of the brightness I may be failing to notice.  We are works in progress...the whole lot of us!  And by God's grace our weak spots will be brought to maturity.

Please never think of me as a woman who is all work and no fun.  I think, at times, that I may have thought the same of my parents.  But then I remember them out with us kids on the sidewalk that ran along our street.  My mom and dad both trying to ride on our skateboards.  They needed a break from it all too.  They probably wanted to have fun just as much as we did.

And that was me tonight... 

After dinner when I went out to the garage to get on that treadmill...I was pretty focused on what I needed to accomplish.  And I had such a great view of the driveway and some of you, my beautiful children, playing and laughing.  The sun was beginning to set but there was still plenty of light to ride your bikes back and forth along our street.  You've been trying to "pop wheelies" and ride with no hands.  Just like I used to do when I was your age.  I smiled while I watched you and it helped the time to pass for me while I walked at a fast pace on that machine.  

But then I remembered that I have a bike too.  And I got all excited just thinking about how much of a kick you all would get out of it if you saw me riding on my bike.  I was right, you all loved it!  And we raced and we laughed and I have to say...I felt like a kid all over again.  

Thank you for that.

...And I hope that someday you'll thank me for teaching you how to work hard.  ;)