when the word is "no"

It is hard for the mother of a new baby to go from the cuddling, comforting, and "I'll do whatever I can for you when you cry" status to being a mom who tells their baby "no".  Your sweet child has never heard that word directed at them.  For months, you have given them what they cried for.  Granted, they haven't wanted much...milk, to burp, a clean diaper, to be held...but you have given them this day in and day out.

And then, it seems like almost overnight they start to show the telltale signs of what they really believe.  They believe that they are the boss!  They think that they can control circumstances.  They will sit...but only if they want to (get ready for the stiff legs and arched back) and they will take a nap when and if they want to (get ready for the loud cries).  

If you are like me, you will probably struggle a little through this stage.  You are so accustomed to getting your child to stop crying.  And now, even though you are doing what is good for them, you are causing them to cry because they don't like your plans for them.  Sometimes we are softies and give in to that.  I think that we put up with way to much just to keep our kids from crying.  They are going to cry when things don't go their way.  But you know what?  It's necessary for them to learn this.

We have a room in our house where we have a piano and two chairs.  I have often enjoyed sitting in one of the chairs for a few moments of relaxation while Sam plays with his toys.  Well, his toys are boring to him now.  Guess what he has discovered?  He has discovered two very attractive and enticing guitars that we have on guitar stands.  He likes to crawl over to them and touch them.  I understand the appeal but I also know what can happen when a baby of eleven months of age "plays" with a guitar.  The guitars have nearly tipped over a few times and it would not take much to destroy them.  As I have sat there trying to relax I have often lamented that I cannot because it is inevitable that Sam will be attracted to the guitars and all of my "No Sam" words will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't understand that word yet.  But soon he will.  And he desperately needs to learn it!  

I could remove the guitars and make things a little easier on myself.  But I'm choosing to value his discipline more than my comfort!  Don't worry, I know I will have other opportunities to relax. (I hope!)  But the point is, I am seeing this as an opportunity to teach Sam.

If I let him have what he wants all the time how will he ever learn self-control?  How will he learn that when mommy says no she really means it?  He cannot see all of the potential problems with "playing" with those guitars that I can.  He honestly does not know any better.  But I love him and I know that saying no will help him to mature.

I can't help but think of the spiritual implications of this.  Does not our wise, heavenly Father know what is best to give and to withhold?  He sees all there is to see and knows just what we need to mature and be more like his Son, Jesus.  Just because he doesn't give us everything we ask for does not mean that he doesn't love us.  On the contrary, it is because he loves us that he will sometimes say no.  It may be hard for us when we are really going through it but someday we will look back and praise him for it.  Because we will realize that in his perfect wisdom God really did know what was best.

families need to grow

As a family we are always growing and changing.  Each year I carefully plan out our daily schedule and it is always changing along with us.  We learn what works and what doesn't.  We learn from our mistakes.  We realize when we spent too much time on one thing and not enough time on another.  We learn what works best through much trial and error.  And at the end of the day, though it didn't go as smoothly as we would've liked, we have a talk about it and we resolve to do better tomorrow.

There are things that are said and almost instantly regretted.  There are attitudes that we wish never plagued us.  There are things that we wish we could have done if only we had enough time...

I live in a house with nine other people, most of them little.  Do you know how often someone is offended or has a hard time agreeing with the other?  I lose count on any given day.  And it's not always the little people's fault!  We are a family.  And families have a lot of growing to do.  God puts us right in the context of our family and he desires for us to grow within that context.  And we grow through all of our struggles to get along.  And we grow through all of our wants not being immediately fulfilled.  Because moment by moment we are getting better at not putting ourselves first and putting others first instead.  It is not easy and it takes effort!  But we are being taught by Jesus and he is working on us!

It's no different with our church families.  Our church families are also growing and changing.  We try new things as we seek to please and serve the Lord.  Some things work well and some things don't.  We look to God's Word and we seek to understand it and obey it.  Sometimes we realize that we are spending too much time focusing on things that don't suit us and not enough time on loving people.  Loving people like Jesus did!  And being busy about living and sharing the gospel.

We have to give each other room to grow.  We have to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven us.  Mercy, grace, faithfulness and love are our lights to shine in this dark world.  We are all imperfect and needing to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am gladly joining the journey knowing that there will be many bumps in the road.  But by God's grace I will keep holding on.

the heart spill

Just pulled out my green, generic Moleskine journal.  The one I bought about a little over a year ago.  The one that I had planned to write all of the things pertaining to our life here.  A way of documenting the journey with all of its joys and heartaches.  My writings in that journal lasted about a month.  I tucked it away and after we moved into our house I wondered if I would ever write in it again.

Tonight presented a much needed opportunity.  It helps to write out all of the things that weigh heavy on my heart.  To not worry about how I'm coming across and just let my heart spill out onto the page.  All of the things pressing in and causing concern...all of the things that I feel I need more time to do and the plans that are so important...I know I am not the only one who feels this way.  It is just life, isn't it?  I am beginning to realize that I may never feel like I am doing enough.

So I just wrote it all out on the page.  No fancy handwriting...I went from a bullet list of all the things I'm concerned about to a prayer and then back to the list as more and more came to mind.  I have to say, I feel better.  God knows my limitations.  I even asked him to help me with the things that I have no desire to do.  "Change my heart, Lord!  And renew a right spirit within me, I pray!"

Today is my birthday.  I have no qualms with being public about my age.  I am thirty eight.  The fact that I am approaching forty is something I marvel at.  Me? Forty?  Seems so strange.  But it's coming and sometimes it seems to be happening so fast.  Another thing you might think strange is that I smile when my husband or my children notice a gray hair here and there.  I also delight in every white hair in my husband's beard.  They are almost like little badges of honor that we have made it this far in life.  I am so thankful for this life God has given me.  I think that jotting all of that stuff down in my journal helped me to remember that even though it feels overwhelming sometimes I've just got to take it one step at a time.  And never stop praying.  God is at work!  And I want him to be honored in my life.

"mad mama moments"

When attempting to write about one's day the words don't always come easily.  Sometimes the heart is full of complaints, the things that were trying...the things that make a person long for the day to come to an end...yes, this day had moments like that.

But before I get to those moments I want to begin by giving thanks for God's blessings in my life today.  Because if I don't do that you will only get part of the story.

I am glad that I had time to read.  I read words that encouraged and refreshed me.  I had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee, this morning and this afternoon!  I had time to work on projects.  I did some sanding in the garage while the littles napped and others played outside.  I crocheted a row of stitches on a blanket for a baby that may be born before I can finish (trying not to worry about that time crunch factor).  I had the energy to work hard at the goal of keeping my house clean and in order...

I could probably go on but the more I think about today, the more the pleasant begins to mix with the difficult.  I feel utterly spent and I haven't even left the house.

I couldn't possibly begin to describe every detail of all the messes, mishaps, and 'mad mama moments" (LOL) that occurred today but suffice it to say that we had all of those.  One of them involved blood...and a shaving razor.  Don't worry, everyone is just fine.  Bandaged...and fine.

Probably worse than that was the upsetting moment when two different sets of children just so happened to have issues happening right around the same time.

This mama felt frustrated.  I was tired of disagreements and children behaving selfishly.  I wanted to be in a very quiet place...all alone for a good long while.

Children cried...I cried.  There was a lot of crying.

With tears running down my cheeks I told my four middle children that we were going to take a break.  I told them that I was frustrated and that I needed to pray.  I told them to sit (in separate places) and quietly look at books and I put Isabel into bed for her afternoon nap.  She feel asleep almost instantly.  I know this because after I cried my heart out and prayed to God for what must have only been a few minutes I went into the room to ask her to forgive me (because sometimes when mommies are frustrated they aren't as loving as they ought to be) and she had already fallen asleep.  So back to praying and crying I went and I just have to say I DO NOT KNOW what I would do without my God!

I don't know about you but sometimes I have days when I just feel like I can't take another thing!  But God gives me hope and courage.  He reminds me that in all of these things HE is at work.

In all of the messes...in all of the mishaps and most certainly in all of the "mad mama moments".

Yes, he is at work in my life.  And I am so very glad.

Dear children...

[A letter to my children after a tiring day of assignments to finish and tasks to complete...]

I know I don't always show it but I share your desire to have fun.  And even though I am often telling you what needs to be done and asking you if you have done everything on your list I (just like you) long for times when we can just slow down and laugh together.  

I just want the work to be done so that we enjoy the fruits of our labors.  I am hoping that you learn the joy that comes from a job well done.  I am hoping that you learn how much time it saves when you do the job right the first time.  I still remember my parents telling me this and I find myself saying the same thing to you and inwardly I wonder if you are really hearing me or not.

I was a kid once too.  I know how you feel.  But I also know how you need to grow and change the way you think about the work you have to do.  Today had its struggles and those things that were left undone or done halfway or not at all just caused this momma to wonder if we'll ever get this ship sailing smoothly.  But bad days tend to brush a dark stroke over all of the brightness I may be failing to notice.  We are works in progress...the whole lot of us!  And by God's grace our weak spots will be brought to maturity.

Please never think of me as a woman who is all work and no fun.  I think, at times, that I may have thought the same of my parents.  But then I remember them out with us kids on the sidewalk that ran along our street.  My mom and dad both trying to ride on our skateboards.  They needed a break from it all too.  They probably wanted to have fun just as much as we did.

And that was me tonight... 

After dinner when I went out to the garage to get on that treadmill...I was pretty focused on what I needed to accomplish.  And I had such a great view of the driveway and some of you, my beautiful children, playing and laughing.  The sun was beginning to set but there was still plenty of light to ride your bikes back and forth along our street.  You've been trying to "pop wheelies" and ride with no hands.  Just like I used to do when I was your age.  I smiled while I watched you and it helped the time to pass for me while I walked at a fast pace on that machine.  

But then I remembered that I have a bike too.  And I got all excited just thinking about how much of a kick you all would get out of it if you saw me riding on my bike.  I was right, you all loved it!  And we raced and we laughed and I have to say...I felt like a kid all over again.  

Thank you for that.

...And I hope that someday you'll thank me for teaching you how to work hard.  ;)

Giving even when you're not getting

I have often been the facial expression reader...the body language discerner...the tone of voice decipherer...and sometimes to a fault.  I have considered my "vibe" detector to be finely tuned and my radar for how a person really thinks and feels to be super sensitive.  I used to pride myself on that.  

The fact is, over time I realized that I wasn't always right.  Even with my own husband.  

I would read into his facial expressions and tone...

"What's wrong?  Are you upset?"  

"No, I'm fine."  

"Are you sure?"...

It was hard for me to grow in this area and just take his word for it.

And it would often happen at church too.  There would be that person, who was friendly one day and not quite as friendly and talkative the next.  Things wouldn't seem right between us...I was picking up on vibes and I didn't like the way they felt.

With a desire to make sure everything was okay between us, I would decide that I should ask her if I have offended her in any way.  Though, honestly, I couldn't think of any possible way I might have done that.

And you know what?  Over time, I began to realize that the main reason I really wanted to ask was because I wanted to be a people pleaser and I wanted to make sure they still thought well of me.  

Do you see the self-centeredness in that?

My first thought was not centered on what she might be going through.  My first thought was not to pray for her...my first thought was "I want to feel better than she's making me feel right now."  Never mind the fact that she might be going through something that I am completely unaware of.  I began to realize how selfish my concerns were.

Sometimes we struggle with the way people treat us...or maybe they don't treat us at all.  Sometimes we feel neglected, under appreciated, unnoticed, and slighted.  And it's in those times that we may need to adjust our  focus.

Instead of asking "What am I getting from people?" we should ask ourselves "What am I giving to people?".  

And with that second question open up our heart to God and ask him to search it.  

It's easy to complain about what others aren't doing, but it's harder to deeply consider what we ought to be doing.  Especially in light of what God has said.

Even the Lord Jesus "made himself nothing and took the form of a servant" (Phil. 3:7).  He "came not to be served, but to serve" (Matt. 20:28) 

Is that your mindset?

[This is a repost from my archives.  I decided to share it again because I have been thinking about these things lately and I figured maybe someone else is too.  I hope it will encourage a change in focus for those who need it and more glory to God as a result.]

simply reading to them

It's a wonder that I am still awake at this time of night.  It is also a wonder that Samuel is still sleeping in his crib.  And he has finally stopped his ritual of crying as soon as he is placed within it.  You would think I was laying him on bed of nails.  He would be fast asleep with his head on my shoulder and as soon as I put him in his crib it was all over!  Pretty frustrating for mom and dad! Isn't it funny how babies go through phases?  And then, one day you realize (with a great sense of relief) that they don't do that "thing" anymore.

And so here I am typing for the first time in a long time.  And it's because my mind is very active and it's also because I wanted to write about something that has been a source of joy for me.

I really do strive to be more intentional about teaching my children about God and providing a home where they can grow and flourish.  It is easy to lose sight of important goals as the busyness of life seems to take over and push them aside.  Sometimes I feel as though I swimming against a current when I seek to establish important patterns in our day to day life.  But I have found that with a little prayer, planning and resolve we can pull it off.

And we have...for ten evenings.  How do I know that?  Because most evenings after we eat our dinner we read one chapter of the Bible.  Tonight we read from Genesis chapter ten.  We plan to read from Genesis to Revelation...one chapter an evening.  If we miss an evening, it's ok.  Though we try not to.  But we can just pick right up where we left off.  And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to the end.  Who knows?  We might just start all over again!

Are the kids perfect about sitting still and listening?  Not always.
Do we sometimes have to stop reading and address that? Yes...often.

But it's worth it.

And after we read we just ask them whatever questions we can think of.  We don't cover everything.  My husband doesn't exposit the entire chapter! Lol! We just ask questions and those who were listening usually know the answers.  And you know what?  We have fun!  At least I do!  :)

I realize this is not some monumental, impressive method of doing things but that is exactly the point.  It's so simple.  You don't need some drawn out lesson plan.  Just gather the kids and read the Word of God to them.

We have such a sweet time together and we have already built some precious memories.  The best thing about it is getting to know our God more and more each time...

And the way Isabel answers some of the questions...now that is priceless!

when children help us learn

Why do I do it?  Why do I just plow headlong through things and not stop to set my heart straight?  I often fail to recognize my dependence on God for strength, courage and saying no to self.  And the hard part is that I am often on cruising on autopilot and I don't even realize that there is a problem.  Yesterday I learned another lesson about the importance of prayer.  I consider it a lesson because the Lord was gracious enough to show me how I do not do turn to him as often as I ought to.  And what's more, I am not pointing my children to Christ as often as I could be in the real, nitty gritty struggles we face.

Sometimes mothering can teach you things you need to learn.  It is quite a big responsibility to be leading these little ones in this thing called life.  I often feel like I must show them the way that I, quite frankly, am still in the process of finding.  We all have tactics, strategies and ways of dealing with things that become ingrained and automatic.  And I find that those things become magnified when I am in the process of parenting one of my children.

You may be wondering what I mean.  Well, one of the main things I am trying to teach my children is that life is all about relationships.  If the first and greatest commandment is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and the second is like unto it "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" then we can clearly see that truth.

So how does this apply to the child who is afraid to talk to the guests and runs upstairs to hide from them?  The initial response is very matter of fact "You need to come downstairs",  "You should be friendly to our guests"...then as more crying ensues..."Get up off of the bed and come downstairs"...

I hope that you appreciate the pressure and time crunch of this moment.  If you are like me you have probably been in situations where you do not feel like you have the time to deal with a child's emotional outbursts.  Everything inside of you just wants the kid to get with it and do what they are supposed to.  Well, by God's grace my tactics were not working.  God was going to show me that this was an opportunity to take a moment and point my child to the Word of God and to help them to see that though this was a very hard thing to do (for them) that God's help and strength are but a prayer away.

How often are we self-centered and afraid to come out of our comfort zones and serve Christ?  How often do we just do what feels good to us, regardless of how it makes others feel?  There is so much more to it than just "Come down from the room and quit your crying"!  There is a spiritual need that needs addressing.  There is a mom who knows that when she struggles she needs to turn to the Lord and get her focus back on him.

And so, I got down on my knees and we prayed together.  It didn't fix everything and the tears didn't stop right away.  But I know that it was the best thing I could have possibly done with my child.  And I hope that I remember that in all of the opportunities that God gives me to point my children to him.

If I could only write one more post

To all people, no matter how old you are, whether you are a man, woman, boy or girl.  To people who go to church and to people who don't.  To people who know a little or know a lot.  Whoever you are and no matter what you have done in your life, this message is for you:

Many people think that it is narrow-minded and unloving to claim that Jesus is the only way to God.  People say "How could a loving God send people to hell?"  They reason that since so many people the world over do not believe in Jesus but rather believe in some other way to God that there must be many ways to him.  Maybe they think of it like a person trying to reach a destination.  For example, if I want to travel from point A to point B, I often have more than one way to get there.  But here's the thing: I hope to end up in the right place.  There may be a few twists and winds but do I know where I am going?  What do I hope to find when I get there?

These thoughts have been heavy on my mind lately.  See, here's the thing we must understand.  It is because of a person's own sin and rejection of the pure and deep love of God that they go to hell.  We are all deserving of it.  God has graciously given us all a way to escape it.  He has given us his Son.  How could anyone ever consider this God unloving?  He who sent his beautiful and holy Son to this ugly and sinful place so that we could be forgiven?  His love is deeper than any love we have ever known!

So how can we escape being separated from God forever just because he sent his Son?  Well, Jesus came to be what we could not be.  He was perfect, he loved with the right motives, he was completely and utterly selfless, he always did what pleased his Father.  Who among us can say that about ourselves?  Not one of us.  We know we fall short.  No matter how good and loving we often like to think we are.  But the beauty of it is that we can have Christ's righteousness through faith in him!

The gospel makes my heart burn!  It has me so excited because it is true and it is clear!  Don't you long for that?  Don't you long to just know what is true and what is false?  I am so tired of all of these mixed messages and man's flawed opinions!  Give me the truth!  Give me the authority of the Word of God and let no deception worm it's way into my heart!

The other day I taught the children from John chapter 10.  Jesus makes some pretty strong claims there...

"Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.  All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them.  I am the door.  If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."

Please, set your experience and your misconceptions aside and hear what Jesus says to you.  He is the only way to find the peace that you are looking for.  He is true beauty, true love, and true life.  You will not find these things in anything or anyone else.  All of those other supposed "gods" or "wise" ways of living will not truly give you life that only Jesus can give to you.  He alone can show us the way because he made the way to eternal life by giving up his own.  All others are impostors, they are thieves who snatch you up and captivate you with their "good" ideas and supposed ways to God.  And in the end they will keep you separated from the God who made you and loves your soul with more passion than you can imagine.

Please turn to Jesus.  He is the only way to be one with God forever.

lunch date thoughts

So I walked in from a lunch date and found all my kiddos finishing up a movie on the couch.  Sammy is asleep in Joelle's arms and the kid's are happily laughing at the antics on the screen.  Perfect opportunity to let my heart flow onto the page a little.  Yes, the movie is "babysitting" my kids for the moment.  But you know what?  I am not ashamed.

On the way to lunch I asked my husband a question.  "So...do you ever hear the voices that you're not good enough to be doing what you do?"  I am not kidding, his immediate, unflinching response was "No."  But before I could dwell too much on his answer he said "I already know that I'm not good enough."

This made me chuckle as I realized how right he is.  Which of us is good enough to have or do anything?  It is by God's grace and appointment that we are here.  All we can do is be faithful with what God has given us and depend on him for continued strength and grace to obey his Word.

I am going through a season where I have things that I want to improve upon and change.  I am not as I want to be nor where I should be but all I know is that at least I am aware of what I want to change.  And I turn to the Lord with those needs.  I ask him for wisdom.  I pray that I am resolute with my convictions.  I pray that I choose to honor him no matter which way the tide flows.  It doesn't come easily for any of us does it?  At the same time, I am so excited about what God is doing and the new opportunities coming ahead.

As my husband drove me home from our lunch date, I shared with him some of the mundane things of life lately.  He knows my heart.  He knows how much I want to improve this or that.  These things are the day in day out reality of a mom just trying to do her best to function well.  (For example, I am considering getting rid of a whole lot of stuff.  Time to pull out the big black trash bags!  Maybe then we won't have to spend as much time picking it all up!).

It was just a little moment to have a heart to heart about our day to day family life.  He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.  "I love you, Marisha."  I love that he does not expect perfection.  He just loves me for me.  Right where I am.  Good thing too!  Because when he loves me right where I'm at, I'm more encouraged to love him right where he's at and really, isn't that what it's all about?

On another side note, earlier today we had laughed about a discipline issue.  Seriously, all alone in our room where none of the kids could see, we laughed so hard.  I love the humor between us.  Just how we can talk about parenting and have a good laugh at something that was hard at the time but later we laugh it up.  And through the belly laughs saying "That's classic!"  I wish I could tell you what it was but I'll just leave it to your imagination.  Maybe you've experienced this too?

Well, I think my time's up.  I hear some commotion out there which probably means the movie is over.  Time to get back at it!

trying to stay on "track"

I really enjoyed my experience at the track today.  Something about running on a track.  It felt so right and so purposeful.  There was just no mistaking in my mind why I was there.  It wasn't to sight see, it wasn't to take a leisurely walk, it was to run...well, to jog.  And somehow, having that focus helped me.  I'm trying to do this "eight weeks to a 5K" program with Joelle.  Basically, you start off slow and gradually begin to jog more and more.  I need gradual.  I need a pace that is not going to chew me up and spit me out.  I need something that I can stick to and gradually get better at.  The other neat thing about the track today was that I could bring a few kids with me and not worry about them keeping up.  Whether they got ahead or lagged behind I could still see them.  That works very well for me!

Today was pretty much dedicated to making pasteles.  The shopping list was made and the ingredients acquired.  We assembled them together with Javier's parents and had an amazing dinner!  I'm glad we have some leftovers in the freezer that we can pull out when we start craving them again!

We have a sweet neighbor that seems to appreciate company. She loves to share things with us and always invites us in when we come to the door.  She recently gave us a bunch of peaches that I put into a smoothie this evening.  Just in case that wasn't enough sweetness in the house, Joelle decided to use up the rest of our blueberries to make more of those blueberry muffins.  And did I mention that Amera and I stopped into Wendy's this afternoon for lunch and since I wanted to cool off from the heat I ordered a Frosty?  Something about the combination of Summer and relatives getting together that tends to mean more sugar consumption than ever.  I really need to watch it or I'll literally be running in vain. :(

I did have a slight solution...the three older girls packaged up some muffins for three different neighbors and went out into the cool evening to deliver them.  That was one way to get some of the sugar out of the house and to spread a little love to our neighbors.  The three girls seemed so happy to do it as they marched off to make their special deliveries.  It's such a blessing to give, isn't it?

Tonight, after most of the kids have gone up to bed, Amera is teaching Brienne and Javi how to make these knitted scarves she makes.  They are supposed to be pretty easy.  I think I'll head on out there again and see what everyone is up to now.  If Sammy keeps sleeping, maybe I can get back to crocheting the blanket I'm working on.  :)

stuff that happened

Stuff that happened yesterday and the day before...

~ I didn't put away the hair cutting kit when I was finished with the boys and a certain four year old decided to take the opportunity to give his hairstyle some finishing touches.  If anyone happens to notice an area that looks a bit patchy...well now you know why.  I attempted to fix it up with the scissors but it seemed like I was only making it worse.  I decided to leave it be and take comfort in the fact that hair does indeed grow back.  Lesson learned: put away the scissors next time.  And put them out of reach.  On a side note: a little while after the incident I told my husband about it over the phone and he laughed hysterically!  I'm thankful for a husband who helps me to lighten up about these things. :)

~ I spent the afternoon yesterday sweeping and mopping our floors and when I was finished I stepped back to admire my handiwork.  Right about that same time a child fished around in the fridge searching for the sour cream for our tacos and suddenly, SPLAT!  An entire container full of leftover rice and stir fry decorated our floor.  Do you know how tedious of a job it is to clean up sticky, wet rice?  I do.  I mean, I did the right thing here and had my child start the clean up.  But there are just some things that need a mother's final touch.  I'm glad that I managed to keep my composure here.  I mean, it's not like the child did it on purpose, right?!

But the thing that tried me the most and was literally "the icing on the cake" was attempting to frost the cake yesterday.  Was the cake too moist?  Why wouldn't the frosting bond to the cake?  I would attempt to spread it on and it would pull away from the cake.  Strange, boxed cake and a tub of frosting used to be so simple for me to put together but I keep running into problems lately.  At one point I really did think that the cake was going to end up being a crumbled, goopy mess.  But I managed to salvage it.  At one point I flung the rubber spatula into the sink in a burst of lost patience but I managed to salvage that too.  Thank God for the Spirit's reminder that I should be patient when attempting to frost a cake.  Thank God for the sweet child who understands and forgives when mommy admits she was wrong to fling a spatula.

It's funny sometimes, when you consider all of the background details of life.  These little trials are often peppered throughout the day and I know they happen to us all.  But it's all worth it!  We ended up having such a fun time with our guests.  

Our  little boy doesn't care about the patches on his head, after all he can't see them!  

The floors were clean (for a little while anyway).  ;)

The cake was pretty yummy, a tad crumbly, but yummy.  

And the best part about the whole evening?  

Loving and being loved.  It's all because of Christ and because he loved us first. (1 John 4:19)  I don't say that because it is Christian cliche.  I say it with all my heart because I know it's true.  There is joy here, there is laughter and there is love all because of the Son who has made us free.  And I am so very thankful.

so much opportunity

I don't know what it is about me and the library here.  It's like we can't seem to get our schedules in sync.  They aren't open when I am ready to go!  Once I was all excited to pick up a movie that I had placed on hold and I arrived five minutes too late.  They had closed at 7pm!  What a letdown!  Didn't the library that I used to go to close at 9pm?!  I guess that is how I am programed.  :)

Then, this morning, Bri and I decided to run over there real quick and drop off and pick up a few things.  It was 9:45am.  There were people coming out of the building which led me to believe that it was open.  We successfully entered through the outer doors, and followed behind another young lady toward the second set of doors leading into the library.  I was in a rush and wanted to get in and out as quick as possible.  But the doors were locked.  I looked in disbelief at the "hours of operations" sign on the window.  The library would not open until 10am.  No matter!  Bri and I headed outside to kill fifteen minutes reading from the book I was returning.  I hadn't read any of it yet and had concluded that July was just going to be too busy to try and squeeze in reading another book.  So I guess this was my golden opportunity!  We read a little about the story behind the Christmas song "The First Noel."  Hmmm...interesting.  Well, I don't think it held her interest.  She was a bit anxious to get inside the library after all.  And by the time 10am rolled around (actually it was more like four minutes after ten) we entered the library along with the crowd of people that had gathered around just waiting for those doors to open up.  Turns out, I wasn't the only one that assumed it would be open before ten.  Well, now I know.  In fact, I shall never forget when this library opens and closes!  :)  I do believe I have got it down pat.

Library hours aside, it was nice to have the time with Bri.  I enjoy talking with her and challenging her to think about things that she may not have really considered before.  On the way to the library today I asked her if she could describe to me what pride is.  That was a little hard at first but some ideas were drawn out and it was a great opportunity to teach her more about God and how we should relate to him.  

I'm learning to not only take advantage of opportunities to point my children to Christ but also to initiate more conversations like this.  Simply asking questions, learning how they think and helping them learn to put truth into words as they grow in their understanding of things.

It's a privilege to be a momma to these eight kiddos.  I look forward to what opportunities tomorrow may bring and I pray that I will be careful not to miss them.

                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                        

learning to truly love

Maybe it's just me, but when I analyze the way I think and my emotional responses to things I often think that I am alone in facing certain struggles.  It's the whole comparison thing when you think that others have life more figured out than you or others don't struggle with doubting themselves or being disciplined each day.  We think that we are alone and that no one will understand.  We carefully try to hide our weaknesses and appear as flawless as possible.  We may choose to reveal a few of them so that we can keep it real but there some things about us that we don't want everyone to know.

It is so comforting to me that God knows all about me.  He knows the way I think, he knows me in my worst moments, he knows my past, present and future and he still loves me.  He always has and always will.  In fact, he loved me at my worst.  We cannot say that about most people.  Most people love those who love them back.  But God is so amazingly different!  He loved me even when I stood against him and didn't care to know him at all.  It's a powerful love.  It's a love that changed me.  It is a love that will never die.

Sometimes, when we are getting to know someone new, we have this underlying feeling that maybe some little thing about us might cause them to not like us anymore.  Sometimes, we can be so concerned about how we are being perceived or what people think of us that we aren't focused enough on loving others and knowing them.  

I mentioned recently a late night talk with my best friend, my husband.  I love that I can open up to him with just about anything.  I am confident that he will continue to love me.  I believe this is the kind of love that we should show to one another as God's people in all of our relationships.  My husband is someone that I deeply trust and I love to bounce things off of him.  It helps me to grow and to think more about why I do what I do and whether or not I am being Christlike when I do it.

And so this was the topic and one of the things that came out of the conversation was that I realized that I think far too much of myself when I talk with other people.  It doesn't always happen but sometimes it does and I am more aware of it now.  Sometimes I can get so concerned with how I sound and what I say and am I being witty?  Do people like me?  Or do I have just the right thing to say at just the right moment?  And the truth is, no, I don't.  And sometimes, by God's grace actually, I get a little tongue-tied and the words don't always come out right or they don't come at all and I might be tempted to be hard on myself for that.  But I think that would be my pride.  Instead, I have taken it as an opportunity for growth.  

I long to consistently put self aside and minister to others with Christlike love that doesn't think of self at all.  I know I haven't reached it and may never completely this side of heaven.  But I see glimmers and the beauty of it keeps me going.

late night talks

Yesterday I began and ended my day with a cup of coffee.  It doesn't usually end that way but I wanted to avoid falling asleep during a movie we had planned to watch after the littles were in bed.  I would never have anticipated that I would still be up at 2am with no desire to sleep whatsoever.

This was just too good.  This time alone to hold hands with my husband and share our goals and dreams.  To talk about how God is working in us and the ways we want him to.  To consider the blessings we often take for granted and don''t want to take for granted anymore.  To feel like there is no rush and we have all the time in the world.  I treasure times like these.

There are memories that we want to be more intentional about making.  There are habits to break and better habits to form.  There are things to get more serious about and distractions to be set aside.  Anyone else going through this?

It takes heart change and it takes obedience.

We came up with a plan last night to meet one Friday a month with the purpose of looking back to evaluate how we are doing and to look ahead to what we want to do more of and better at.  We want to make the most of the time that God gives to us.  It seems to be going by so fast!

"Lord, we need you and we want more of you in our lives!  Give us grace to do your will."

I like simple

I'm taking a midday break to collect my thoughts and rest from the organizational tactics I have been employing for most of the morning.  I am finally making significant progress in the most "catch all" room of our house: our bedroom.  I long for this room to be beautiful and to be a haven of rest rather than a place where we stub our toes on boxes.  I've been going through boxes of old papers and old notebooks.  I have containers full of old cords and little doo-hickies that we never use and had forgotten that we have.  I'm gathering a box of things that I will have to run by my husband to see if he thinks we need them.  I'm hoping that many of these things will find their way into the trash or the donation box.  It's so freeing!

I came across my husband's old notes and all the flashcards he used while attending BJU.  I'm talking like an entire shoe box full of them!  It's crazy the amount of information that he crammed in.  Obviously, not all of it could possibly still be in there.  Maybe that is why he won't agree to throwing the cards away just yet.  ;)  The day may come when he'll want to use them.  But I'm throwing away other things and it feels SO good!  I have to wonder why I have kept some of these things for so long!

Every time I put something into the trash or a donation bag I feel so happy because I know that the less stuff I have to deal with, the simpler my life will be.  And I like simple.

I love this quote that I came across on Pinterest: "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful."  I think that is very good advice, don't you?

we ALL fall short

It is sad when a person bases their beliefs on their own experience.  When the things that people have done or have failed to do are the deciding factors in what they believe about God.  We cannot see God like we can see people.  And God's people are supposed to be a light and an example.  Maybe you've heard the saying "You are the only Bible some people will ever read" and it is true, our words and actions do matter and they often help or hinder.  But God is not limited to us.  He has shown his power in Creation and he has revealed himself in his Word.  He can save anyone and he can rescue from the most dire situations.

What really saddens me is that there are people who have had the privilege of hearing the Gospel but they stop short of turning their heart to Christ because the people they know who profess to be Christians have not lived it.  And this is the hard, cold reality.  People will fail us.  They are ultimately failing God himself but if we really think about it we are no different.  In fact, we cannot truly come to God unless we see how utterly sinful we are and how much we need a Savior.  The problem we have is that we want to hold on to our sin and blame others for it.

We have our own sin to confess.  God doesn't stop being God when we people fail to love as they should.  I am grieved for people who have turned from God, rejecting Christ and the Gospel and are looking for peace and happiness in all the wrong places.  I know they will come up empty.  I have lived it myself.  I have explored many avenues, all which led me further away from the truth and it was all utter nonsense.  Jesus, only Jesus, is the way, the truth and the life.  There is no other way to be healed and made whole.  Trust me, I tried.

I am grieved for people who have seen such a poor expression of Christianity that they want nothing to do with it.  The sad reality is that we all fall short of the glory of God.  It is OUR sin that we should be most concerned about.  It grieves me that a person can go their whole life pointing the finger at another person's sin and never admit their own.  I want them to turn to Christ.  I want them to be healed and to let go of the tremendous weight they bear because of an unforgiving and bitter heart.  May it never be that we use our difficult upbringing as an excuse to live life the way we want rather than the way God wants us to.

The Bible says "The fool says in his heart 'There is no God'" (Psalm 14:1).  Think about it.  It does not matter who you are.  Whether you grew up in a home with parents who professed to be Christians (whether living it out or not) or in a home where they made no such claim--you are accountable to God for what you have done and for what you choose to believe.  God is not interested in your finger pointing.  He wants to heal all of your hurts, and believe me, only he can.  He wants you to forgive and he wants to forgive you but remember that for all the wrong you see in others there is also wrong in you and your sin separates you from a God who wants to be close to you.

Who among us can claim that we have lived exactly as we ought?

None of us have.  Only Christ.

And this is why we must turn to him.  He alone is the perfectly righteous one who has never, ever done anything wrong.  He is the only one who can declare us righteous based on HIS righteousness.

He is the only one who can heal.  Turn to him, believe in your heart that he is Lord and be saved.  Your soul will not be at rest until you do.  

on being encouraged

It is so refreshing to me to get beyond the "I'm good!" when people ask how I am doing at church.  I know that I can't share every single struggle with others but to share at least one and to be encouraged by other women is such a blessing.  Isn't that why we gather together?  To encourage one another?  I think it is precious when we can connect with each other in a humble way, in a way that brings down the protective walls a bit and be honest about what God is bringing us through.  I am not the type to seek advice and I consider it one of my weaknesses.  I am amazed at how the Lord can use other women in my life to teach me.  They don't necessarily know how to help me if I am not a little open about it.  Far too often, I tend to think I have things mostly figured out.  Sometimes I wonder what pride is blinding me to!  Thankfully, the Lord is merciful and shows me things gradually.  :)

Yesterday, as I was getting Samuel ready for church, I thought ahead to when I would be there.  I knew that I would be with my littles in the nursery for Sunday School...that is typical.  I also knew that I would be in the nursery during the service in order to cover for someone who was out of town.  The thought occurred to me "Why even go?"  As if the pastor's wife is just going to stay home, right?  Well, the more I thought about that, the more I thought about what God says about it.  I am not just going to church to sit in a pew and hear a message.  That was not going to happen for me yesterday.  But I am going to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I am going to serve God.  And if that means I sit in a nursery, then that is how I will serve God.

My children were the only ones in the nursery and I did manage to hear the Sunday School message since the people met in the sanctuary.  I also had the opportunity for fellowship in between services and also afterwards.  In all of this I couldn't help but remember what it was like to not be a pastor's wife.  Was my coming to church, whether in the nursery or not, any less vital than it is now?  How many choose not to come because they will just be in the nursery with the baby anyway?  How many choose not to come because they have a nagging cough?  How many choose not to come because they don't think they'll get anything out of it and they can just listen to a sermon at home?  I think we all need to be reminded that we must come as long as we are able.  We must come to give, to serve and to encourage.  No believer in Christ is exempt from that.

I missed both services but I did not miss out on the blessing of being with the people I will spend eternity worshipping God with.  I can't begin to tell you of the ways in which my heart has been stirred unto good works when we meet.  Also, how much it encourages me to see the faces of those who also love God.  I know each of us faces our own set of struggles and temptations to just stay home.  But "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24-25)  

You may not even realize how much even just being there will encourage others.  What's holding you back?

a new beginning

Well, here I am again!  Just when I thought I had given up blogging (writing even!) my heart was stirred to try again.  So how on earth does a pastor's wife with eight kids have time to write?  Truth?  I don't feel like I have a bunch of extra time to fill but I miss writing, I miss sharing my heart and I don't want to forget all of the things that God is doing in my life.  This is a great way for me to journal my thoughts and all of the wonderful and hard things that happen in my day to day.

This blog will be different than what I have done in the past.  So much in my life has changed and that has affected the way I function.  I want to keep things as simple as possible.

For example, when I take pictures these days I primarily use my phone and I share with Instagram and Facebook.  I no longer want to take the time to put photos on my blog or to have to consider which ones to use with my posts.  I simply wish to write and I think this format will take less time.  

I really do not know who is going to take the time to read this (don't even know if my own mother reads what I write!) but my goal is not to become popular, I just want a place to put it all down.  It may only be once a month but I am okay with that, if you happen to read along, you will have to be okay with that too.  :)

This is the life that God has given me.  It's not perfect, but my God is and so are his plans for me.  I can't wait to write about it!

Let the "life notes" begin!