When I have a difficult experience that leaves me with raw and tender emotions, it takes a little while to move past it. I have to wrestle with it and it takes time to process it. I pray continuously...basically every time it hurts. I beg for grace to love as God loves. And to forgive as he forgives. I cannot find it within myself.
I know in my heart that the truth of his word will revive and refresh me. But sometimes there is the voice of doubt that nags me with questions like, "Can God really help you?", "If you think his word is so powerful and helpful then why does it seem so unrelated to what you are feeling right now?" and "It's all stuff you've read before...it's not going to meet this need."
These are the lies that I am tempted to believe.
And there's more. There is another lie that goes right along with this is one. It's when I think that getting together with other believers won't be worth it. I am tempted to let my feelings and the obstacles that I face dictate my actions. It seems better to withdraw and fade into the background where it's comfortable and no one gets hurt. Especially me.
Relationships are hard work sometimes. It's easier to avoid them. They can be messy things. There are misunderstandings and offenses. Sometimes there are offenses that are very difficult to work through. And if not for God, I think I might lose all hope at times. But with God there is love and mercy. For me and for you.
Each time we go through a difficult struggle we will either trust God or believe a lie. We can make the choice to trust him each time we have to put one foot in front of the other and do the things that are so hard for us. We definitely need his help to see things his way when our hurts and struggles cloud our vision. And there is much praying to do as we seek to regain our focus.
Would it surprise to know that sometimes pastor's wives have inner struggles with going to church or events? It is less of a struggle than it used to be for me. But I have not entered into an impenetrable bubble where emotions and temptations are not something that I have to deal with.
One particular time, I had been facing some challenges that were stretching me and I was really wrestling with some things. I didn't want to go to an event and end up struggling inside with people all around me. Didn't want those emotions coming out and getting noticed! It's hard to feel like you have to muster up strength when you feel so weak. And it's hard to stop thinking about yourself and how you feel. And sadly, you tell yourself stories about how it's probably going to go. What you imagine may even be based on the hard reality of a past experience. And wouldn't Satan just love to use that to take you out of commission..."Another one who won't serve, love and encourage the body of Christ. They would rather wallow in self pity. Perfect."
One particular time, I had been facing some challenges that were stretching me and I was really wrestling with some things. I didn't want to go to an event and end up struggling inside with people all around me. Didn't want those emotions coming out and getting noticed! It's hard to feel like you have to muster up strength when you feel so weak. And it's hard to stop thinking about yourself and how you feel. And sadly, you tell yourself stories about how it's probably going to go. What you imagine may even be based on the hard reality of a past experience. And wouldn't Satan just love to use that to take you out of commission..."Another one who won't serve, love and encourage the body of Christ. They would rather wallow in self pity. Perfect."
We talk ourselves out of things as we imagine how it's going to go and we find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into a slump. Somehow when we are feeling down, all of the encouraging and uplifting experiences we have had seem to fade into the background. It is then that the discouraging ones are magnified in our minds.
Again, are we believing the truth or a lie? Are we as faithful to God as he is to us? It's true, it might turn out to be a bad experience like you thought it would. But you know...nine times out of ten it probably won't.
And you know what? The tears we are trying to hold inside just might come out and, wonder of wonders, other women may be able to encourage us like we never even thought possible. It's a beautiful thing when that happens, isn't it?
I find that when God helps me to work through my feelings, my hurts and my doubts, I end up praying a simple, heartfelt prayer. I have prayed it many times. I often pray this when I am driving on my way to meet with God's people or with anyone for that matter. Just a few words...
"It's not about me, Lord. Not me, but you! And not me, Lord. But them."
Not very eloquent, I know. But my goal is to impress it so deep into my heart and mind that it never leaves! It is always a resolute decision. This is me battling with myself. It is me battling with the tendency to put myself first. I battle it because I know that is not where I belong. That is God's place. And the people he has placed in my life to serve, love and encourage? They come before me too. This is the attitude of one who desires to follow Christ (Phil. 2...just read the whole thing...). And it is so easy to get the order mixed up. Thank God for his patience with us!
But sadly, we can become so self-centered that we are battling God instead of our selfishness. We are saying no to something that he wants us to do. We are going after what we want and not what he wants. God, help us to see when we are doing that!
It always helps me to think of Jesus. He always did what was pleasing to the Father. Even when it was hard. Very hard. Like going to the cross and suffering more than we can ever imagine, hard. But he did it for the "joy that was set before him" (Heb. 12:2). He said, "Not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Is that my attitude? I sure want it to be. And I pray that for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Things won't always go as we expect. How many times have I gone to gathering of God's people and come away from it more encouraged than I ever thought possible! And I am so glad that I went! Yes, there are the discouraging times too. But you know what? I believe that God uses even those for his glory. He just wants your willingness. He wants you to pray before you decide to stay home. He wants your heart. And he wants to teach you to love him more than anything else...especially more than you love yourself. This is something that I am sure I will be learning and relearning my whole life through!
It's not about me, Lord. But you. Amazing, gracious and wonderful you. Your will be done in me, I pray.
But sadly, we can become so self-centered that we are battling God instead of our selfishness. We are saying no to something that he wants us to do. We are going after what we want and not what he wants. God, help us to see when we are doing that!
It always helps me to think of Jesus. He always did what was pleasing to the Father. Even when it was hard. Very hard. Like going to the cross and suffering more than we can ever imagine, hard. But he did it for the "joy that was set before him" (Heb. 12:2). He said, "Not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Is that my attitude? I sure want it to be. And I pray that for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Things won't always go as we expect. How many times have I gone to gathering of God's people and come away from it more encouraged than I ever thought possible! And I am so glad that I went! Yes, there are the discouraging times too. But you know what? I believe that God uses even those for his glory. He just wants your willingness. He wants you to pray before you decide to stay home. He wants your heart. And he wants to teach you to love him more than anything else...especially more than you love yourself. This is something that I am sure I will be learning and relearning my whole life through!
It's not about me, Lord. But you. Amazing, gracious and wonderful you. Your will be done in me, I pray.
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