The weekly internal battle

If you're a mom who tries to make it to church on Sunday you probably know what strong opposition feels like.  You know how hard it is to get out that door.  It may be the circumstances, it may be the kids, it may even just be you...but you can be sure that the enemy of your soul is content to have you neglect meeting with God's people for whatever reason he can bring your way.  Why?  Because that is where encouragement and a unique and wonderful aspect of your spiritual growth is supposed to happen. (Ephesians 4:11-16)

Come to encourage and to be encouraged in your faith.
When we meet together we should be encouraged in our faith.  Sometimes we will feel like we are not getting that encouragement.  But with God's help we can always go ready to give it, can't we?  Sure, it can happen in other places and in other ways but God makes it pretty plain to us that it is not a good thing if we neglect to meet with other believers (Heb. 10:25). And not just the ones that we would put on our list of people we like and get along with.  You will be amazed at how much you will grow spiritually as you interact with people who think a little (or a lot!) differently than you do.  If you keep your focus on Christ you will actually learn to love as he loves. (Again, that Ephesians 4 passage!)

Come to hear the preaching of the word of God.
We should also find encouragement and conviction as the word of God is preached.  There is no perfect preacher who says just what you want to be said.  But that is not what preachers are supposed to do anyway (2 Timothy 4:1-5). They are called to preach the word of God.  They are not obeying God if they preach what you want to hear and what suits your fancy.  They must preach the truth of the word and do it in love.  If that is happening, then we really shouldn't be complaining.  It's so easy for us to get critical.  I'm ashamed to say that I was that way a time or two toward the pastors that God brought into my life.  Sometimes we need attitude adjustments that is for sure!  Out of all the people our pastors preach and minister to, what makes us think that he should do and say everything we want him to?  And to please every individual?  No, that is not God's will at all.   

God calls men to preach his word and if they are faithful to that then we really have so much to be thankful for.  Again, you won't always come away thinking, "That was so awesome!  I love how he said ______" (fill in the blank).  But is he preaching the word of God?

Our commitment to honor God is shown when we are willing to do the small, unimpressive things like simply showing up to church.  We don't always come away with mountain top experiences.  But that is not the way it's supposed to be. God just wants humble obedience and faithfulness.

Do your best to prepare and don't give up!

But it's not always easy is it?  Even just showing up to the building can be difficult.  I know that no matter how much you resolve to go to bed early with clothes ironed and dishes done, it doesn't always happen that way.  Life isn't always so predictably manageable no matter how hard we try to make it so. Things come up or little ones wake up in the middle of the night and at the end of some days all we want to do is fall into bed.  You don't even want to think about ironing or doing the dishes.  Sometimes we feel spent because we are giving so much of ourselves. We are loving and caring for the people in our lives day in and day out.

It seems like Sunday morning rarely goes off without a hitch and each week we try to do a little better than the week before.  If not that, we might just give up. And we really don't want to do that!  If you're like me, you've experienced many a ride to church where you resolve that you will do whatever it takes to not have a repeat of what happened that morning!

You'll try to get to bed a little earlier on Saturday.  You'll make sure the kids have their socks and shoes set aside.  You don't want to be hunting for them on Sunday morning and stressing out.  And yet it seems that no matter how prepared you may be that something will inevitably go wrong on Sunday morning.  You will face opposition as you try to get ready to leave.  Sometimes it feels as if the devil and every one of his demons are opposing you.  And it may very well be.  

One child will be crying for no apparent reason.  Nothing will appease them except for being held by you. And yet, you are the one who needs to finish getting ready to go.  The more they cry, the more you want to cry!  You have been meeting needs all morning and you are tired of giving.  You feel the pressure of time moving quickly and it is moving so much faster than you and the children.  "Will we make it on time?" you keep asking yourself.  

Another child cannot find their shoe or their shirt was somehow never ironed or someone cries out, "He hit me!" and you have to spend ten minutes resolving an issue.  And you are beginning to think that Sunday morning is working out to be the toughest morning of your week!

Don't forget to pray for help.

Your patience runs thin and you wonder if you should just cave and forget the whole thing!  But then you remember God.  He loves you so much and you love him too.  He invites you to pray in those times of your greatest need and distress.  He hears and helps you in ways you never would have thought possible.  God is the very reason why you are making all of this effort in the first place.  It is all for him!  

The more you begin to realize these truths the more you settle it in your mind that you are going to do the best you can to meet with God's people with all of your crew in tow.  Whether you be a bit late...or miss Sunday School because you needed the time to pray...You resolve that you are not going to cave and allow these challenges to keep you from this important place and this significant moment in time.  It really does matter!  Sure, there have been times in the past when you just couldn't muster it but by God's grace you will rely on his strength to make it out that door!

It feels like a fight.  It is a fight!  A difficult battle in your heart.  It's nothing new, really.  Your bad feelings are colliding with your good intentions.  All you have to decide is if you have the conviction to follow through with what you know you ought to do and do it no matter what.  And how many times have we said, "I'm so glad I went!"?  Even if that is not your sentiment, at least you know that you are doing something that God clearly wants you to do and there is a blessing in that.

Let's persevere in our desire to honor Christ and resolve to not let anything stand in our way. I know that many of you will face things that make my struggles seem easy in comparison.  I understand that for some of you there are serious issues that truly prevent you from being able to go to church.  But I am writing for those who are able but discouraged.  I simply wanted you to know that you are not alone in your Sunday morning struggles.  And I wanted to encourage you because I know how difficult it can be to get out the door sometimes!  I also know that there is so much blessing that we miss out on when we give in to challenges that we can overcome as we turn to God for grace and help.  Blessings to you as you seek to honor him with every choice you make.

Treasure that is eternal

I didn't intend to fall asleep with my two year old.  The last I remember, I was trying to get him to settle down for bed.  He had so much energy and wanted to play and giggle.  And though I would tell him it was time to settle down for bed, his playfulness kept winning me over.  I remember when he finally began to lay his sweet head on the pillow.  But that is the last I remember.  I was surprised to wake up at 4:00 AM and realize that I had fallen asleep without intending to.

There is something wonderful about waking up at that early in the morning and knowing that you might have at least a couple of hours before anyone else wakes up.  I was giddy with excitement!  I brewed a cup of coffee and settled in on the couch with my laptop.  Time to catch up on some articles I had saved to read for later.

The time flew by and I decided that I would put my focus on my Bible reading...especially before the kids got up (since I preferred the quiet version).  Usually when 6:30 AM comes around I know that it is going to be any minute now that little ones will wake up and be in need of my attention.  I had to use my time wisely.

I began to read and my mind was so full and active that I could hardly concentrate on the text before me.  Is it possible to read an entire two or three paragraphs and not have a clue what on earth you just read?!  Why, yes!  And thankfully I realized it because the last thing I wanted it to be was a meaningless exercise.  I prayed that God would help me give him my full attention.  He did help me and I really do cherish the quiet time I can spend reflecting on his word and praying.

I want to be a woman who prays more.  It's all about relationship, trust, dependence, and grace.  It's not just words and heaping up eloquent phrases.  No, far from that.  It's truly seeing my needs and the needs of others and knowing that God can meet every single one.  It's desiring to have his work and his will to be done in and through me.

This morning, in the quiet of my living room, I prayed.  God shows me things in his word and I know that I am in a good place when my heart is exposed and he shows me what needs fixing.  I know that when he stirs my heart to love more, give more, pray more...I know I am headed in the right direction.  Because, really, I could be satisfied with things as they are.  I could say it's good enough and continue on with business as usual.  But the more I think about my responsibility as a woman of God, as a mother, a teacher...(a leader, as so many of us are without even realizing it!) the more I cry out to God to show me what more he would have me to do for him.

I shed quiet tears as I prayed that I would love more today than I did yesterday.  That I would notice more, listen more, and hug more.  It is rather sobering for a mother to consider that though there is grace and mercy for every oversight and lack, there is also so much potential to impact future generations with your very life!  This truth astounds me and leaves me almost speechless sometimes.  The thought that just by making even the simplest of changes to my daily routine I can live a more fruitful life for my Savior.  The reality that every commitment I make matters for eternity.

There is so much I am doing yet so much I could do.  And this is where prayer comes in.  This is when I pray to God that he will show me how I can best serve him and bring him honor.

This morning I want to thank him for giving me a little class of children to teach on Sunday nights.  Yes, most of them are my own children but that's ok!  I didn't think it was what God had for me to do.  I thought it would be temporary and I even tried to find someone else to take my place.  But I have truly grown to love teaching truth to these young souls who are learning so much about the world around them.  What a blessing to be able to teach them about God!  We are memorizing God's word together every week.  And these little theologians are learning doctrine!  Last night, I was so delighted to introduce the kids to a prayer journal that I got so that we can keep a record of the things we are praying to God for and anticipate his answers.  We put all of our chairs in a circle and prayed to almighty God.

These things are the most precious treasure to me.  Because they are eternal.  I thank God for his work in and through his people.  I am probably the most undeserving of anyone to serve him.  My Redeemer lives!  And that my soul knows very well.

Never be the same

Father, you have opened wide the door to your throne room.  Forgive us for spending so much of our time on the outside trying to figure things out for ourselves.  You are the God of all creation!  The God who has saved us from eternal death!  How can we ever doubt that you can meet our current needs?  And yet sometimes you desire for us to wait and learn to trust you when we lack.  We are reminded that even your most beloved Son did not enter this world in luxury as he lay in the unusual bed that you provided.  We realize that even with so much blessing and abundance, our tendency is to take our eyes off of your kingdom and spend our days trying to build our own.  Lord, we want to trust you in every moment!  And we need your help even for this.

Father, forgive us for how little we speak your name.  It grieves us that sometimes we are more concerned about offending people than we are about offending you.  Sometimes we forget why we are here.  We forget that you have saved us so that we can tell others about you.  We are more concerned with people liking us and thinking well of us.  But then, if we can only get a glimpse of Christ!  If we can see his unwavering obedience in the midst of opposition...we can see that sometimes the truth is not so well received.  For even though he spoke the truth in perfect love they still wanted to throw him off a cliff (Luke 4:29).  Even though he healed a man, tormented by demons, living in a cemetery, crying and cutting himself...breaking the chains that the people tried in vain to bind him with, the people still wanted Jesus to leave their region.  

"The incessant screams echoing through the night must have frightened even the strongest men.  Only the demons wanted to be near this nobody in the cemetery.  

Until Jesus showed up, that is.  When he showed up, the world changed.  The demons knew their reign in this man was over.  They were no match for the one they recognized as the Son of the Most High God.

The  change in this man is striking, in fact.  The crazy man became sane.  The naked man was clothed.  His screams of demonic control would be replaced with shouts of praise.  So dramatic was his change that the townspeople were frightened when they saw him.  After all, Jesus had done something amazing in his life.

This man did what you and I would likely do: ask to stay with Jesus, who had changed him remarkably.  That wasn't Jesus' plan though.  He doesn't work miracles in our lives so that we can just hang out with him.  He changes us so we can proclaim his power and grace to others.  'Go back home to your own people, and report to them how much the Lord has done for you and how he has had mercy on you,' Jesus told the man...and that's the way it's supposed to work.  A nobody amazed by Jesus tells everybody what Jesus did..." 

(From "Nobodies For Jesus" by Chuck Lawless)

Only Jesus could set him free from the chains that weighed heavy on his soul (Mark 5).  Father, it grieves us that some of our friends and loved ones do not even realize that they are bound.  They are accustomed to life as they have always known it and do not know of the beautiful relationship they are missing with you.  Father, we pray you would open their eyes to the truth.  We pray for the light of the gospel to shine in the darkness.  Help us not to forget that we should be lights that shine for you.  It's not just a cute little saying for kids.  Letting our light shine is everything!  It is why you have made us your own...so that others may see it and glorify you!  

Father, help us to remember that obeying your commandments is just as New Testament as it is Old.  You have not changed.  You have always been merciful, gracious and holy.  You character did not change when you gave us your one and only Son.  In fact, he showed us who you are.  In Jesus we see your glory, full of grace and truth.

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:1-5

Lord, let us never be deceived into thinking that anything apart from your perfect will is good for us. Let us never think that our sin will offer the true and lasting satisfaction that can only be found in walking in your ways. Your "commandments are not burdensome". On the contrary, your commandments are freedom, joy, life and light! We find all of this in you and in your word, Lord. Give us the grace to never forget that we are over comers through faith in Christ. We have believed that Jesus is the Son of God and we will never be the same.

Not me, Lord

When I have a difficult experience that leaves me with raw and tender emotions, it takes a little while to move past it.  I have to wrestle with it and it takes time to process it.  I pray continuously...basically every time it hurts.  I beg for grace to love as God loves.  And to forgive as he forgives.  I cannot find it within myself.  

I know in my heart that the truth of his word will revive and refresh me.  But sometimes there is the voice of doubt that nags me with questions like, "Can God really help you?", "If you think his word is so powerful and helpful then why does it seem so unrelated to what you are feeling right now?" and "It's all stuff you've read before...it's not going to meet this need."

These are the lies that I am tempted to believe.

And there's more.  There is another lie that goes right along with this is one.  It's when I think that getting together with other believers won't be worth it.  I am tempted to let my feelings and the obstacles that I face dictate my actions.  It seems better to withdraw and fade into the background where it's comfortable and no one gets hurt.  Especially me.

Relationships are hard work sometimes.  It's easier to avoid them.  They can be messy things.  There are misunderstandings and offenses.  Sometimes there are offenses that are very difficult to work through.  And if not for God, I think I might lose all hope at times.  But with God there is love and mercy.  For me and for you.

Each time we go through a difficult struggle we will either trust God or believe a lie.  We can make the choice to trust him each time we have to put one foot in front of the other and do the things that are so hard for us.  We definitely need his help to see things his way when our hurts and struggles cloud our vision.  And there is much praying to do as we seek to regain our focus.

Would it surprise to know that sometimes pastor's wives have inner struggles with going to church or events?  It is less of a struggle than it used to be for me.  But I have not entered into an impenetrable bubble where emotions and temptations are not something that I have to deal with.

One particular time, I had been facing some challenges that were stretching me and I was really wrestling with some things.  I didn't want to go to an event and end up struggling inside with people all around me.  Didn't want those emotions coming out and getting noticed!  It's hard to feel like you have to muster up strength when you feel so weak.  And it's hard to stop thinking about yourself and how you feel.  And sadly, you tell yourself stories about how it's probably going to go.  What you imagine may even be based on the hard reality of a past experience.  And wouldn't Satan just love to use that to take you out of commission..."Another one who won't serve, love and encourage the body of Christ.  They would rather wallow in self pity.  Perfect."

We talk ourselves out of things as we imagine how it's going to go and we find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into a slump.  Somehow when we are feeling down, all of the encouraging and uplifting experiences we have had seem to fade into the background.  It is then that the discouraging ones are magnified in our minds.

Again, are we believing the truth or a lie?  Are we as faithful to God as he is to us?  It's true, it might turn out to be a bad experience like you thought it would.  But you know...nine times out of ten it probably won't.  

And you know what?  The tears we are trying to hold inside just might come out and, wonder of wonders, other women may be able to encourage us like we never even thought possible.  It's a beautiful thing when that happens, isn't it?

I find that when God helps me to work through my feelings, my hurts and my doubts, I end up praying a simple, heartfelt prayer.  I have prayed it many times.  I often pray this when I am driving on my way to meet with God's people or with anyone for that matter.  Just a few words...

"It's not about me, Lord.  Not me, but you!  And not me, Lord.  But them."

Not very eloquent, I know.  But my goal is to impress it so deep into my heart and mind that it never leaves!  It is always a resolute decision.  This is me battling with myself.  It is me battling with the tendency to put myself first.  I battle it because I know that is not where I belong.  That is God's place.  And the people he has placed in my life to serve, love and encourage?  They come before me too.  This is the attitude of one who desires to follow Christ (Phil. 2...just read the whole thing...). And it is so easy to get the order mixed up.  Thank God for his patience with us!

But sadly, we can become so self-centered that we are battling God instead of our selfishness.  We are saying no to something that he wants us to do.  We are going after what we want and not what he wants.  God, help us to see when we are doing that!

It always helps me to think of Jesus.  He always did what was pleasing to the Father.  Even when it was hard.  Very hard.  Like going to the cross and suffering more than we can ever imagine, hard.  But he did it for the "joy that was set before him" (Heb. 12:2).  He said, "Not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).  Is that my attitude?  I sure want it to be.  And I pray that for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Things won't always go as we expect.  How many times have I gone to gathering of God's people and come away from it more encouraged than I ever thought possible!  And I am so glad that I went! Yes, there are the discouraging times too.  But you know what?  I believe that God uses even those for his glory.  He just wants your willingness.  He wants you to pray before you decide to stay home.  He wants your heart.  And he wants to teach you to love him more than anything else...especially more than you love yourself.  This is something that I am sure I will be learning and relearning my whole life through!

It's not about me, Lord.  But you.  Amazing, gracious and wonderful you.  Your will be done in me, I pray.

It's worth the effort

Last night, after most of the children had gone to bed, I settled in on my couch with a new crochet project.  Taking a ball of yarn and making something with it just thrills me.  The yarn was chosen by me.  I hunted online for the perfect stitch.  I had my favorite crochet hook ready to go.  This would be a unique creation.  The fact that it is also a gift only added to the excitement.

Everything was going well until I realized that I was doing the stitch incorrectly.  In fact, I had done stitches where I wasn't supposed to and my project was coming out all weird and wavy.  After about an hour of work (at least I was somewhat watching movie) I reluctantly had to unravel my project.  

No matter, at least I had realized my mistake.  I began again.  I kept testing the size around my neck to make sure it would fit well.  It seemed good but the further along I went, the tighter it seemed to get.  I wanted it to have at least some drape to it.  I could keep going (very tempting at this point) and end up with an infinity scarf that is too small and will never be worn or I could learn from that mistake too and start again with more stitches this time.  

Even with something as relaxing and enjoyable as crochet it is hard to undo your hard work and effort.  It's tempting to think that time has been wasted since all the work is undone.  But is it wasted?  Didn't I learn from those mistakes?  I have had some measure of success with other scarves.  Not totally perfect but I was still pleased with the results.  But I was really earning my stripes with this one.  Each time I unraveled it I felt a little frustrated but I also dreamed of how beautiful it was going to be when I finally got it right.

I was thinking about this today as I was going about my morning routine.  I thought about how much this concept relates to ministry and our efforts to serve God.  Not everything gets off the ground so easily no matter how good your intentions.  Not everything plays out exactly as you plan or imagine it would.

Efforts are made, time is spent, energy is expended and it does not go as well as we would have hoped.  But you know what?  It's ok.  Really it is.  Because God is still at work.  We are learning.  We are works in progress.  The whole lot of us!  

He will be at work through every failure, every disappointment and every dashed hope.  He has power to work in hearts in a way that no one on this earth can.  He doesn't need large numbers.  He has an even greater vision than we do of what he wants his church to become.  He is the author and finisher of our faith!  He is not done!  No matter how small your turn out.  No matter how little response you get for you efforts.  Don't lose heart.  Stay faithful.  Keep at it.  And who knows what wonderful things God might do through you if you stick with it and never give up.