when the word is "no"

It is hard for the mother of a new baby to go from the cuddling, comforting, and "I'll do whatever I can for you when you cry" status to being a mom who tells their baby "no".  Your sweet child has never heard that word directed at them.  For months, you have given them what they cried for.  Granted, they haven't wanted much...milk, to burp, a clean diaper, to be held...but you have given them this day in and day out.

And then, it seems like almost overnight they start to show the telltale signs of what they really believe.  They believe that they are the boss!  They think that they can control circumstances.  They will sit...but only if they want to (get ready for the stiff legs and arched back) and they will take a nap when and if they want to (get ready for the loud cries).  

If you are like me, you will probably struggle a little through this stage.  You are so accustomed to getting your child to stop crying.  And now, even though you are doing what is good for them, you are causing them to cry because they don't like your plans for them.  Sometimes we are softies and give in to that.  I think that we put up with way to much just to keep our kids from crying.  They are going to cry when things don't go their way.  But you know what?  It's necessary for them to learn this.

We have a room in our house where we have a piano and two chairs.  I have often enjoyed sitting in one of the chairs for a few moments of relaxation while Sam plays with his toys.  Well, his toys are boring to him now.  Guess what he has discovered?  He has discovered two very attractive and enticing guitars that we have on guitar stands.  He likes to crawl over to them and touch them.  I understand the appeal but I also know what can happen when a baby of eleven months of age "plays" with a guitar.  The guitars have nearly tipped over a few times and it would not take much to destroy them.  As I have sat there trying to relax I have often lamented that I cannot because it is inevitable that Sam will be attracted to the guitars and all of my "No Sam" words will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't understand that word yet.  But soon he will.  And he desperately needs to learn it!  

I could remove the guitars and make things a little easier on myself.  But I'm choosing to value his discipline more than my comfort!  Don't worry, I know I will have other opportunities to relax. (I hope!)  But the point is, I am seeing this as an opportunity to teach Sam.

If I let him have what he wants all the time how will he ever learn self-control?  How will he learn that when mommy says no she really means it?  He cannot see all of the potential problems with "playing" with those guitars that I can.  He honestly does not know any better.  But I love him and I know that saying no will help him to mature.

I can't help but think of the spiritual implications of this.  Does not our wise, heavenly Father know what is best to give and to withhold?  He sees all there is to see and knows just what we need to mature and be more like his Son, Jesus.  Just because he doesn't give us everything we ask for does not mean that he doesn't love us.  On the contrary, it is because he loves us that he will sometimes say no.  It may be hard for us when we are really going through it but someday we will look back and praise him for it.  Because we will realize that in his perfect wisdom God really did know what was best.

families need to grow

As a family we are always growing and changing.  Each year I carefully plan out our daily schedule and it is always changing along with us.  We learn what works and what doesn't.  We learn from our mistakes.  We realize when we spent too much time on one thing and not enough time on another.  We learn what works best through much trial and error.  And at the end of the day, though it didn't go as smoothly as we would've liked, we have a talk about it and we resolve to do better tomorrow.

There are things that are said and almost instantly regretted.  There are attitudes that we wish never plagued us.  There are things that we wish we could have done if only we had enough time...

I live in a house with nine other people, most of them little.  Do you know how often someone is offended or has a hard time agreeing with the other?  I lose count on any given day.  And it's not always the little people's fault!  We are a family.  And families have a lot of growing to do.  God puts us right in the context of our family and he desires for us to grow within that context.  And we grow through all of our struggles to get along.  And we grow through all of our wants not being immediately fulfilled.  Because moment by moment we are getting better at not putting ourselves first and putting others first instead.  It is not easy and it takes effort!  But we are being taught by Jesus and he is working on us!

It's no different with our church families.  Our church families are also growing and changing.  We try new things as we seek to please and serve the Lord.  Some things work well and some things don't.  We look to God's Word and we seek to understand it and obey it.  Sometimes we realize that we are spending too much time focusing on things that don't suit us and not enough time on loving people.  Loving people like Jesus did!  And being busy about living and sharing the gospel.

We have to give each other room to grow.  We have to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven us.  Mercy, grace, faithfulness and love are our lights to shine in this dark world.  We are all imperfect and needing to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am gladly joining the journey knowing that there will be many bumps in the road.  But by God's grace I will keep holding on.

the heart spill

Just pulled out my green, generic Moleskine journal.  The one I bought about a little over a year ago.  The one that I had planned to write all of the things pertaining to our life here.  A way of documenting the journey with all of its joys and heartaches.  My writings in that journal lasted about a month.  I tucked it away and after we moved into our house I wondered if I would ever write in it again.

Tonight presented a much needed opportunity.  It helps to write out all of the things that weigh heavy on my heart.  To not worry about how I'm coming across and just let my heart spill out onto the page.  All of the things pressing in and causing concern...all of the things that I feel I need more time to do and the plans that are so important...I know I am not the only one who feels this way.  It is just life, isn't it?  I am beginning to realize that I may never feel like I am doing enough.

So I just wrote it all out on the page.  No fancy handwriting...I went from a bullet list of all the things I'm concerned about to a prayer and then back to the list as more and more came to mind.  I have to say, I feel better.  God knows my limitations.  I even asked him to help me with the things that I have no desire to do.  "Change my heart, Lord!  And renew a right spirit within me, I pray!"

Today is my birthday.  I have no qualms with being public about my age.  I am thirty eight.  The fact that I am approaching forty is something I marvel at.  Me? Forty?  Seems so strange.  But it's coming and sometimes it seems to be happening so fast.  Another thing you might think strange is that I smile when my husband or my children notice a gray hair here and there.  I also delight in every white hair in my husband's beard.  They are almost like little badges of honor that we have made it this far in life.  I am so thankful for this life God has given me.  I think that jotting all of that stuff down in my journal helped me to remember that even though it feels overwhelming sometimes I've just got to take it one step at a time.  And never stop praying.  God is at work!  And I want him to be honored in my life.

"mad mama moments"

When attempting to write about one's day the words don't always come easily.  Sometimes the heart is full of complaints, the things that were trying...the things that make a person long for the day to come to an end...yes, this day had moments like that.

But before I get to those moments I want to begin by giving thanks for God's blessings in my life today.  Because if I don't do that you will only get part of the story.

I am glad that I had time to read.  I read words that encouraged and refreshed me.  I had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee, this morning and this afternoon!  I had time to work on projects.  I did some sanding in the garage while the littles napped and others played outside.  I crocheted a row of stitches on a blanket for a baby that may be born before I can finish (trying not to worry about that time crunch factor).  I had the energy to work hard at the goal of keeping my house clean and in order...

I could probably go on but the more I think about today, the more the pleasant begins to mix with the difficult.  I feel utterly spent and I haven't even left the house.

I couldn't possibly begin to describe every detail of all the messes, mishaps, and 'mad mama moments" (LOL) that occurred today but suffice it to say that we had all of those.  One of them involved blood...and a shaving razor.  Don't worry, everyone is just fine.  Bandaged...and fine.

Probably worse than that was the upsetting moment when two different sets of children just so happened to have issues happening right around the same time.

This mama felt frustrated.  I was tired of disagreements and children behaving selfishly.  I wanted to be in a very quiet place...all alone for a good long while.

Children cried...I cried.  There was a lot of crying.

With tears running down my cheeks I told my four middle children that we were going to take a break.  I told them that I was frustrated and that I needed to pray.  I told them to sit (in separate places) and quietly look at books and I put Isabel into bed for her afternoon nap.  She feel asleep almost instantly.  I know this because after I cried my heart out and prayed to God for what must have only been a few minutes I went into the room to ask her to forgive me (because sometimes when mommies are frustrated they aren't as loving as they ought to be) and she had already fallen asleep.  So back to praying and crying I went and I just have to say I DO NOT KNOW what I would do without my God!

I don't know about you but sometimes I have days when I just feel like I can't take another thing!  But God gives me hope and courage.  He reminds me that in all of these things HE is at work.

In all of the messes...in all of the mishaps and most certainly in all of the "mad mama moments".

Yes, he is at work in my life.  And I am so very glad.

Dear children...

[A letter to my children after a tiring day of assignments to finish and tasks to complete...]

I know I don't always show it but I share your desire to have fun.  And even though I am often telling you what needs to be done and asking you if you have done everything on your list I (just like you) long for times when we can just slow down and laugh together.  

I just want the work to be done so that we enjoy the fruits of our labors.  I am hoping that you learn the joy that comes from a job well done.  I am hoping that you learn how much time it saves when you do the job right the first time.  I still remember my parents telling me this and I find myself saying the same thing to you and inwardly I wonder if you are really hearing me or not.

I was a kid once too.  I know how you feel.  But I also know how you need to grow and change the way you think about the work you have to do.  Today had its struggles and those things that were left undone or done halfway or not at all just caused this momma to wonder if we'll ever get this ship sailing smoothly.  But bad days tend to brush a dark stroke over all of the brightness I may be failing to notice.  We are works in progress...the whole lot of us!  And by God's grace our weak spots will be brought to maturity.

Please never think of me as a woman who is all work and no fun.  I think, at times, that I may have thought the same of my parents.  But then I remember them out with us kids on the sidewalk that ran along our street.  My mom and dad both trying to ride on our skateboards.  They needed a break from it all too.  They probably wanted to have fun just as much as we did.

And that was me tonight... 

After dinner when I went out to the garage to get on that treadmill...I was pretty focused on what I needed to accomplish.  And I had such a great view of the driveway and some of you, my beautiful children, playing and laughing.  The sun was beginning to set but there was still plenty of light to ride your bikes back and forth along our street.  You've been trying to "pop wheelies" and ride with no hands.  Just like I used to do when I was your age.  I smiled while I watched you and it helped the time to pass for me while I walked at a fast pace on that machine.  

But then I remembered that I have a bike too.  And I got all excited just thinking about how much of a kick you all would get out of it if you saw me riding on my bike.  I was right, you all loved it!  And we raced and we laughed and I have to say...I felt like a kid all over again.  

Thank you for that.

...And I hope that someday you'll thank me for teaching you how to work hard.  ;)