the heart spill

Just pulled out my green, generic Moleskine journal.  The one I bought about a little over a year ago.  The one that I had planned to write all of the things pertaining to our life here.  A way of documenting the journey with all of its joys and heartaches.  My writings in that journal lasted about a month.  I tucked it away and after we moved into our house I wondered if I would ever write in it again.

Tonight presented a much needed opportunity.  It helps to write out all of the things that weigh heavy on my heart.  To not worry about how I'm coming across and just let my heart spill out onto the page.  All of the things pressing in and causing concern...all of the things that I feel I need more time to do and the plans that are so important...I know I am not the only one who feels this way.  It is just life, isn't it?  I am beginning to realize that I may never feel like I am doing enough.

So I just wrote it all out on the page.  No fancy handwriting...I went from a bullet list of all the things I'm concerned about to a prayer and then back to the list as more and more came to mind.  I have to say, I feel better.  God knows my limitations.  I even asked him to help me with the things that I have no desire to do.  "Change my heart, Lord!  And renew a right spirit within me, I pray!"

Today is my birthday.  I have no qualms with being public about my age.  I am thirty eight.  The fact that I am approaching forty is something I marvel at.  Me? Forty?  Seems so strange.  But it's coming and sometimes it seems to be happening so fast.  Another thing you might think strange is that I smile when my husband or my children notice a gray hair here and there.  I also delight in every white hair in my husband's beard.  They are almost like little badges of honor that we have made it this far in life.  I am so thankful for this life God has given me.  I think that jotting all of that stuff down in my journal helped me to remember that even though it feels overwhelming sometimes I've just got to take it one step at a time.  And never stop praying.  God is at work!  And I want him to be honored in my life.

"mad mama moments"

When attempting to write about one's day the words don't always come easily.  Sometimes the heart is full of complaints, the things that were trying...the things that make a person long for the day to come to an end...yes, this day had moments like that.

But before I get to those moments I want to begin by giving thanks for God's blessings in my life today.  Because if I don't do that you will only get part of the story.

I am glad that I had time to read.  I read words that encouraged and refreshed me.  I had time to sit and drink a cup of coffee, this morning and this afternoon!  I had time to work on projects.  I did some sanding in the garage while the littles napped and others played outside.  I crocheted a row of stitches on a blanket for a baby that may be born before I can finish (trying not to worry about that time crunch factor).  I had the energy to work hard at the goal of keeping my house clean and in order...

I could probably go on but the more I think about today, the more the pleasant begins to mix with the difficult.  I feel utterly spent and I haven't even left the house.

I couldn't possibly begin to describe every detail of all the messes, mishaps, and 'mad mama moments" (LOL) that occurred today but suffice it to say that we had all of those.  One of them involved blood...and a shaving razor.  Don't worry, everyone is just fine.  Bandaged...and fine.

Probably worse than that was the upsetting moment when two different sets of children just so happened to have issues happening right around the same time.

This mama felt frustrated.  I was tired of disagreements and children behaving selfishly.  I wanted to be in a very quiet place...all alone for a good long while.

Children cried...I cried.  There was a lot of crying.

With tears running down my cheeks I told my four middle children that we were going to take a break.  I told them that I was frustrated and that I needed to pray.  I told them to sit (in separate places) and quietly look at books and I put Isabel into bed for her afternoon nap.  She feel asleep almost instantly.  I know this because after I cried my heart out and prayed to God for what must have only been a few minutes I went into the room to ask her to forgive me (because sometimes when mommies are frustrated they aren't as loving as they ought to be) and she had already fallen asleep.  So back to praying and crying I went and I just have to say I DO NOT KNOW what I would do without my God!

I don't know about you but sometimes I have days when I just feel like I can't take another thing!  But God gives me hope and courage.  He reminds me that in all of these things HE is at work.

In all of the messes...in all of the mishaps and most certainly in all of the "mad mama moments".

Yes, he is at work in my life.  And I am so very glad.

Dear children...

[A letter to my children after a tiring day of assignments to finish and tasks to complete...]

I know I don't always show it but I share your desire to have fun.  And even though I am often telling you what needs to be done and asking you if you have done everything on your list I (just like you) long for times when we can just slow down and laugh together.  

I just want the work to be done so that we enjoy the fruits of our labors.  I am hoping that you learn the joy that comes from a job well done.  I am hoping that you learn how much time it saves when you do the job right the first time.  I still remember my parents telling me this and I find myself saying the same thing to you and inwardly I wonder if you are really hearing me or not.

I was a kid once too.  I know how you feel.  But I also know how you need to grow and change the way you think about the work you have to do.  Today had its struggles and those things that were left undone or done halfway or not at all just caused this momma to wonder if we'll ever get this ship sailing smoothly.  But bad days tend to brush a dark stroke over all of the brightness I may be failing to notice.  We are works in progress...the whole lot of us!  And by God's grace our weak spots will be brought to maturity.

Please never think of me as a woman who is all work and no fun.  I think, at times, that I may have thought the same of my parents.  But then I remember them out with us kids on the sidewalk that ran along our street.  My mom and dad both trying to ride on our skateboards.  They needed a break from it all too.  They probably wanted to have fun just as much as we did.

And that was me tonight... 

After dinner when I went out to the garage to get on that treadmill...I was pretty focused on what I needed to accomplish.  And I had such a great view of the driveway and some of you, my beautiful children, playing and laughing.  The sun was beginning to set but there was still plenty of light to ride your bikes back and forth along our street.  You've been trying to "pop wheelies" and ride with no hands.  Just like I used to do when I was your age.  I smiled while I watched you and it helped the time to pass for me while I walked at a fast pace on that machine.  

But then I remembered that I have a bike too.  And I got all excited just thinking about how much of a kick you all would get out of it if you saw me riding on my bike.  I was right, you all loved it!  And we raced and we laughed and I have to say...I felt like a kid all over again.  

Thank you for that.

...And I hope that someday you'll thank me for teaching you how to work hard.  ;)

Giving even when you're not getting

I have often been the facial expression reader...the body language discerner...the tone of voice decipherer...and sometimes to a fault.  I have considered my "vibe" detector to be finely tuned and my radar for how a person really thinks and feels to be super sensitive.  I used to pride myself on that.  

The fact is, over time I realized that I wasn't always right.  Even with my own husband.  

I would read into his facial expressions and tone...

"What's wrong?  Are you upset?"  

"No, I'm fine."  

"Are you sure?"...

It was hard for me to grow in this area and just take his word for it.

And it would often happen at church too.  There would be that person, who was friendly one day and not quite as friendly and talkative the next.  Things wouldn't seem right between us...I was picking up on vibes and I didn't like the way they felt.

With a desire to make sure everything was okay between us, I would decide that I should ask her if I have offended her in any way.  Though, honestly, I couldn't think of any possible way I might have done that.

And you know what?  Over time, I began to realize that the main reason I really wanted to ask was because I wanted to be a people pleaser and I wanted to make sure they still thought well of me.  

Do you see the self-centeredness in that?

My first thought was not centered on what she might be going through.  My first thought was not to pray for her...my first thought was "I want to feel better than she's making me feel right now."  Never mind the fact that she might be going through something that I am completely unaware of.  I began to realize how selfish my concerns were.

Sometimes we struggle with the way people treat us...or maybe they don't treat us at all.  Sometimes we feel neglected, under appreciated, unnoticed, and slighted.  And it's in those times that we may need to adjust our  focus.

Instead of asking "What am I getting from people?" we should ask ourselves "What am I giving to people?".  

And with that second question open up our heart to God and ask him to search it.  

It's easy to complain about what others aren't doing, but it's harder to deeply consider what we ought to be doing.  Especially in light of what God has said.

Even the Lord Jesus "made himself nothing and took the form of a servant" (Phil. 3:7).  He "came not to be served, but to serve" (Matt. 20:28) 

Is that your mindset?

[This is a repost from my archives.  I decided to share it again because I have been thinking about these things lately and I figured maybe someone else is too.  I hope it will encourage a change in focus for those who need it and more glory to God as a result.]

simply reading to them

It's a wonder that I am still awake at this time of night.  It is also a wonder that Samuel is still sleeping in his crib.  And he has finally stopped his ritual of crying as soon as he is placed within it.  You would think I was laying him on bed of nails.  He would be fast asleep with his head on my shoulder and as soon as I put him in his crib it was all over!  Pretty frustrating for mom and dad! Isn't it funny how babies go through phases?  And then, one day you realize (with a great sense of relief) that they don't do that "thing" anymore.

And so here I am typing for the first time in a long time.  And it's because my mind is very active and it's also because I wanted to write about something that has been a source of joy for me.

I really do strive to be more intentional about teaching my children about God and providing a home where they can grow and flourish.  It is easy to lose sight of important goals as the busyness of life seems to take over and push them aside.  Sometimes I feel as though I swimming against a current when I seek to establish important patterns in our day to day life.  But I have found that with a little prayer, planning and resolve we can pull it off.

And we have...for ten evenings.  How do I know that?  Because most evenings after we eat our dinner we read one chapter of the Bible.  Tonight we read from Genesis chapter ten.  We plan to read from Genesis to Revelation...one chapter an evening.  If we miss an evening, it's ok.  Though we try not to.  But we can just pick right up where we left off.  And it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to the end.  Who knows?  We might just start all over again!

Are the kids perfect about sitting still and listening?  Not always.
Do we sometimes have to stop reading and address that? Yes...often.

But it's worth it.

And after we read we just ask them whatever questions we can think of.  We don't cover everything.  My husband doesn't exposit the entire chapter! Lol! We just ask questions and those who were listening usually know the answers.  And you know what?  We have fun!  At least I do!  :)

I realize this is not some monumental, impressive method of doing things but that is exactly the point.  It's so simple.  You don't need some drawn out lesson plan.  Just gather the kids and read the Word of God to them.

We have such a sweet time together and we have already built some precious memories.  The best thing about it is getting to know our God more and more each time...

And the way Isabel answers some of the questions...now that is priceless!