Spending meaningful time together

It may sound crazy coming from a stay-at-home mom who home schools but here goes: I don't spend enough meaningful time with my kids.

Oh, I know, most of us would say the same thing.  We might always feel like we could do more.  And as for me, this knowing that I wanted to change my approach and be much more intentional with the time we spend and the way we spend it has been simmering for years.  I've made little changes here and there and I've done what I could.  That's all you can do, right?  But I have really been hungering for more.  I am not satisfied and I knew that some things needed to change.

I want to connect in meaningful and bonding ways with every person under this roof.  How is it that I can sometimes go days without hugging, having a meaningful conversation, and praying with my kids?!  It can happen if I am not intentional about it.

Every family has ups and downs each and every day.  I have often chuckled to myself because not long after I post a sweet, happy photo on Facebook we often find ourselves in the throes of some little person drama.  People are bursting into tears and there are often ugly situations that need attention and the grace of God.  I will spare you those photos!

And the messes we make!  Oh, my!  And you know what that means?  That means this mama is very intent on controlling the mess and making sure every one is cleaning and picking up.

I have gone days where the only thing my children hear from me is what we need to do next.  One task after another.  They also have school work to do.  And they would have fun and relaxing activities to look forward to.  But those activities would often not involve me.  They would do their thing and I was busy doing mine.

We almost always come together as a family in the evenings.  But I really wanted to connect with my kids as individuals.  To strengthen our bond in the sweet and happy moments.  So that it doesn't begin to feel like all I am doing is correcting and disciplining.  We need to have fun together!

It doesn't have to cost any money or require an extravagant trip to a theme park (though that would be fun too).  But it is going to require a willing mama.  A mama that recognizes how much her kids need to be loved and treasured.  A mama who sees how desperately her kids need her to look them in the eye and log off of social media.  Yes, there is a time and place for all that and we need discernment, don't we?  We need to be careful that we are not so busy soaking in all of the details of someone else's life that we forget to soak in our own.  But the beauty of it is that we get to decide.  We can set those parameters and with the Spirit's help we can stick to them.

I have begun to do two things that I think are going to go a long way in me strengthening my relationships with my kids.  The first is to put my phone to really good use and put each of them on the calendar.  I started with February.  Each child gets a special, focused, no screens time with mama on the day their birthday falls on.  And they get to look forward to that each month.  I know, eight kids!  That's a lot of people on the calendar, right?!  Well, it has been so helpful to have a planned time for each of them to look forward to and I look forward to it too!  Tonight was Isabel's night.  She was beyond excited!  My husband and I went out for dinner (we avoid the Valentine's Day crowds and go the day after) and my phone buzzed with a reminder that said "ISABEL".  We managed to eat dinner, pick up a few small things at Lowe's, get a few groceries and then get home so that I could spend some special time with Izzy before she went to bed.  If I didn't plan this she would probably just go to bed as usual and I would have really missed out on making more memories with my sweet girl.  We simply read a few books because we haven't done that in a few days, we snuggled and I prayed with her.  I thanked God for her and prayed for her. She was a bit reluctant to go to bed but I just love how she loves to be with me.  I need to nurture that!

The second thing I am doing is minimizing stuff.  I began to evaluate our trouble spots.  What is it that is hindering us from doing some of the things we'd like to do?  One big thing is the amount of time we have had to spend just picking up all sorts of little things that little people like to carry all over the house.  Legos, blocks, little plastic people, little magnet people etc.  It was becoming a constant issue.  I spent the day today gathering up all of the little things and they are now being stored in a closet in my room.  They are off limits during the week.  We'll pull them out on rainy days and weekends.  I might even decide that we don't need them at all.  We'll see.  But I am really looking forward to seeing what the week will be like without their constant presence.  I also filled a few bags of donations to minimize clutter.  I am really developing a dislike for stuffed animals.  I used to love them.  But the problem is they are enjoyed for a short time and then take up valuable space for a long time.  We have kept a few really special ones but many of them just needed to go.

There is so much else that we have to spend our time cleaning on a daily basis.  I am hoping that this decision will cut that time in half.  And the kids are thrilled about what we did today!  Even they are tired of the toys and the mess.  They would rather run and play outside and ride their bikes or go the park or have more time to play instruments and pursue art.  Or maybe just snuggle on the couch with mom a little more?  Now there's an idea!

When the heart complains

Sometimes a mom just needs a break.  Sometimes a Target trip for dishwasher detergent results in also buying a notebook and pen and sitting down with coffee and banana bread in the Starbucks near the exit.  I didn't exactly plan it that way when I left the house but thankfully I have an understanding husband who was at home with the kids.  A little time to write and reflect was just what this mama needed.

Tough Saturday morning for me.  There was too much to do and too much that I was allowing to weigh on me.  I think it's safe to say that we all struggle with things not being the way we'd like them to be.  And sometimes it's just the little things adding up into one big thing if we let them.  And I just had so much to accomplish today and if I had it my way I'd race around doing it and have everything just so...but no.

And the Spirit reminds me to "Slow down, one thing at a time and with joy..."  But the baby is crying again.  He needs me to hold him.  I have helping hands but he wants me and only me.  It feels like I can hardly put him down anymore.  I wake up to his cries in the morning and all I want to do is just sit with my cup of coffee in solitude and jot down words in my Bible study booklet.  But I sit with him to settle him down again and I remember that I have a Bible app on my phone.  If I could just resist the urge to check social media first and just get my eyes into the Word!  I can even listen to it if I want to!  I can hold the baby and close my eyes and pray.  It may not be as I envisioned it or how I want it but I don't have to be hindered in having time with God.  As they say, "It is what it is."

I just get tired sometimes.  Oh, don't worry about me.  It's normal, isn't it?  And sometimes the pressure of what we need to accomplish on a daily basis is such a heavy weight and we need to find our rest in God.

I had such a good cry this morning.  I was thankful for a bathroom with a locked door and wonder of wonders no one knocked on it when I was in there!  I was glad that the kids had music playing so that they couldn't hear my sobs--because sometimes you only want God to hear.  And I just cried my heart out to God as I sat there on the floor.  Because I need him!  I need strength to persevere with joy.  I need help knowing what to put first and what can wait.  I don't want my kids to have a grumpy mama who only cares that they clean the house today.  And believe me, we've done a lot of cleaning but having my attitude right made all the difference.  I could have done a lot of damage to souls had I not locked myself in that bathroom for a little while.

Because my heart just wanted to complain.  I get tired of having to do the same things day by day.  I just never feel done...and the more my heart complains, the more I begin to realize that I need to give thanks to God.

And so I thanked him.  For the home he's given us to make all our messes in.  For the amazing gift of these precious children.  For life!  And a thriving, energetic little boy who loves his mommy and wants to be with me.  I thank him for clothes to wear...and fold and put away...Dishes to eat the food that he so graciously provides...

I really could go on and it makes the tears well up again!  Because God is SO good!  To you and to me.  And for every complaint that my heart would like to dwell on there are a thousand more things that I can thank him for.  And you know, I think that is what I would rather do.  Because nothing should shake the joy that I have in Christ.

When truly understanding takes effort

My husband and I like to share articles with each other.  Sometimes I'll send him a link with the words "What do you think of this?"  Sometimes he'll agree with it and be blessed and encouraged and other times he will point something out that I hadn't noticed before.  And we'll discuss it back and forth sharing our thoughts and insights.  And we sharpen each other, as it should be.  We are confident in the unchanging truth of the Word of God but humble enough (by God's grace) to admit when our opinions are wrong.  We understand that no human being is beyond the potential for error.  Not them, not us.

When we read these articles we see the value in reading the comments as we seek for more understanding through the different perspectives of the people sharing there.  Often times the comments actually help to refine and round out the point being made.  It is not always that the author has failed to explain their point but you can only say so much in one article.  If you have ever tried to write something on a topic you will know what I mean.  And it is a frightful thing when a person takes your words the wrong way and doesn't even give you a chance to explain what you meant!  We have seen this as we read some of the comments and see that some people have completely misunderstood what the author was obviously trying to say.  Words are twisted to take on a meaning the author plainly did not intend.  And people are reacting emotionally to the topic.

It reminds me of how people reacted to the Lord himself when he walked this earth.  Many times they reacted emotionally to his words and it was usually because of their pride.  Their emotionally reactions were so strong at times that they wanted to throw Jesus off of a cliff and even stone him to death!  To me, one of the most amazing passages in Scripture is in John chapter 8.  Read the heated argument between Jesus and the Pharisees and notice how Jesus continues speaking the most wonderful truths to them over and over.  And they get angrier and angrier!  They don't seek to understand.  They are set in their ways.  They will not change their thinking no matter what he says because their hearts are hard as stone.  Does it make you shudder?  I don't know about you but I never want to be so hardhearted and stubborn that even the most wonderful words of truth and life fail to penetrate my heart.

People are often quick to assume, quick to jump to conclusions, and quick to think they have people pegged.  And people can be so harsh and bitter.  They are unwilling to listen or even try to understand.  This is a very sad place to be.  And the direct opposite of God's will for his people.

As God's people we should be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (James 1:19).  We should remember that "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion" (Proverbs 18:2).  We should "pursue what makes for peace and mutual up building" (Romans 14:19).

Far too often we allow Satan to have the victory and create a gulf of division between us.  Don't give him a foothold.  It will wreak havoc in our churches.  Instead, seek peace and pursue it.  Seek to understand and do all things in love.  And by God's grace, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)

May we grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus and sharpen each other in love.  And may God bless our efforts to bring him honor through it.

when the word is "no"

It is hard for the mother of a new baby to go from the cuddling, comforting, and "I'll do whatever I can for you when you cry" status to being a mom who tells their baby "no".  Your sweet child has never heard that word directed at them.  For months, you have given them what they cried for.  Granted, they haven't wanted much...milk, to burp, a clean diaper, to be held...but you have given them this day in and day out.

And then, it seems like almost overnight they start to show the telltale signs of what they really believe.  They believe that they are the boss!  They think that they can control circumstances.  They will sit...but only if they want to (get ready for the stiff legs and arched back) and they will take a nap when and if they want to (get ready for the loud cries).  

If you are like me, you will probably struggle a little through this stage.  You are so accustomed to getting your child to stop crying.  And now, even though you are doing what is good for them, you are causing them to cry because they don't like your plans for them.  Sometimes we are softies and give in to that.  I think that we put up with way to much just to keep our kids from crying.  They are going to cry when things don't go their way.  But you know what?  It's necessary for them to learn this.

We have a room in our house where we have a piano and two chairs.  I have often enjoyed sitting in one of the chairs for a few moments of relaxation while Sam plays with his toys.  Well, his toys are boring to him now.  Guess what he has discovered?  He has discovered two very attractive and enticing guitars that we have on guitar stands.  He likes to crawl over to them and touch them.  I understand the appeal but I also know what can happen when a baby of eleven months of age "plays" with a guitar.  The guitars have nearly tipped over a few times and it would not take much to destroy them.  As I have sat there trying to relax I have often lamented that I cannot because it is inevitable that Sam will be attracted to the guitars and all of my "No Sam" words will fall on deaf ears.  He doesn't understand that word yet.  But soon he will.  And he desperately needs to learn it!  

I could remove the guitars and make things a little easier on myself.  But I'm choosing to value his discipline more than my comfort!  Don't worry, I know I will have other opportunities to relax. (I hope!)  But the point is, I am seeing this as an opportunity to teach Sam.

If I let him have what he wants all the time how will he ever learn self-control?  How will he learn that when mommy says no she really means it?  He cannot see all of the potential problems with "playing" with those guitars that I can.  He honestly does not know any better.  But I love him and I know that saying no will help him to mature.

I can't help but think of the spiritual implications of this.  Does not our wise, heavenly Father know what is best to give and to withhold?  He sees all there is to see and knows just what we need to mature and be more like his Son, Jesus.  Just because he doesn't give us everything we ask for does not mean that he doesn't love us.  On the contrary, it is because he loves us that he will sometimes say no.  It may be hard for us when we are really going through it but someday we will look back and praise him for it.  Because we will realize that in his perfect wisdom God really did know what was best.

families need to grow

As a family we are always growing and changing.  Each year I carefully plan out our daily schedule and it is always changing along with us.  We learn what works and what doesn't.  We learn from our mistakes.  We realize when we spent too much time on one thing and not enough time on another.  We learn what works best through much trial and error.  And at the end of the day, though it didn't go as smoothly as we would've liked, we have a talk about it and we resolve to do better tomorrow.

There are things that are said and almost instantly regretted.  There are attitudes that we wish never plagued us.  There are things that we wish we could have done if only we had enough time...

I live in a house with nine other people, most of them little.  Do you know how often someone is offended or has a hard time agreeing with the other?  I lose count on any given day.  And it's not always the little people's fault!  We are a family.  And families have a lot of growing to do.  God puts us right in the context of our family and he desires for us to grow within that context.  And we grow through all of our struggles to get along.  And we grow through all of our wants not being immediately fulfilled.  Because moment by moment we are getting better at not putting ourselves first and putting others first instead.  It is not easy and it takes effort!  But we are being taught by Jesus and he is working on us!

It's no different with our church families.  Our church families are also growing and changing.  We try new things as we seek to please and serve the Lord.  Some things work well and some things don't.  We look to God's Word and we seek to understand it and obey it.  Sometimes we realize that we are spending too much time focusing on things that don't suit us and not enough time on loving people.  Loving people like Jesus did!  And being busy about living and sharing the gospel.

We have to give each other room to grow.  We have to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven us.  Mercy, grace, faithfulness and love are our lights to shine in this dark world.  We are all imperfect and needing to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am gladly joining the journey knowing that there will be many bumps in the road.  But by God's grace I will keep holding on.